Post by masine on Sept 6, 2019 1:46:41 GMT
Hello everyone, I'd like to get your opinion on something that I've wondered about myself for a long time. It's a bit hard to explain, but I'll try my best.
Basically my entire life I've like a naturally cold and distant person. I used to think it was because I "shut down" due to my mother's death when I was an early teen, but now I do not feel that is the case. Long before my mother got ill, I've been a bit indifferent, though that's not quite the word. I feel compassion for others to a degree, but not enough to take action to an extent. I try to care for things, but idea of being loving and warm has always felt wrong to me, and I've had to try to force. Even when I am in the state of love, I have a suspicion that it is not the sort of love other people feel. I'm not sure if I've ever felt genuine love. I wish the best for other beings, and I am even very adamant about justice, equality, and the well being of others. But my love has always felt a bit harsh. To try to explain, I would say that I'm more of the kind of person to rip apart those who would do harm in a sort of indifferent "it must be done" sort of way than comfort those that have been done wrong. I also take what I perceive as genuine pleasure in jokes that come at others expense, and I can be quite funny to others when it comes to jokes of these sorts. I do feel a bit bad when I go too far so I dont go there often, but most of my humours is somewhere more than teasing but less than out right insulting. I'm at my cleverest and most "in the zone" when it comes to matters like this. I've tried to be better, but it always feels fake. Why do I feel so at home being cold, even after practicing meditation, loving affirmations, and all similar sorts? Am I broken? Am I monster? I dont feel remorse for myself either, as in I dont feel what I'm doing is really wrong or really the way it should be since all spiritual masters say that god is love and light. Any advice?
Basically my entire life I've like a naturally cold and distant person. I used to think it was because I "shut down" due to my mother's death when I was an early teen, but now I do not feel that is the case. Long before my mother got ill, I've been a bit indifferent, though that's not quite the word. I feel compassion for others to a degree, but not enough to take action to an extent. I try to care for things, but idea of being loving and warm has always felt wrong to me, and I've had to try to force. Even when I am in the state of love, I have a suspicion that it is not the sort of love other people feel. I'm not sure if I've ever felt genuine love. I wish the best for other beings, and I am even very adamant about justice, equality, and the well being of others. But my love has always felt a bit harsh. To try to explain, I would say that I'm more of the kind of person to rip apart those who would do harm in a sort of indifferent "it must be done" sort of way than comfort those that have been done wrong. I also take what I perceive as genuine pleasure in jokes that come at others expense, and I can be quite funny to others when it comes to jokes of these sorts. I do feel a bit bad when I go too far so I dont go there often, but most of my humours is somewhere more than teasing but less than out right insulting. I'm at my cleverest and most "in the zone" when it comes to matters like this. I've tried to be better, but it always feels fake. Why do I feel so at home being cold, even after practicing meditation, loving affirmations, and all similar sorts? Am I broken? Am I monster? I dont feel remorse for myself either, as in I dont feel what I'm doing is really wrong or really the way it should be since all spiritual masters say that god is love and light. Any advice?
