What are you preparing for your last days?

[donq]

If I asked what are you preparing for kids in the future? Everyone seemed to be happy to talk about it. But when I asked what are they preparing for their last days? That seemed to upset them.
It seems talking about our last days (death) makes us feel uncomfortable in one way or another.
It might be true that if you are still young or just 30 or 40 something, this topic is not meant for you. As for me (I'm almost 60), I have been thinking about it for years. I'm not talking about health insurance or something like that. Sure, if you have enough saving money, or health insurance (or social welfare), it would help you handle this kind of situation better. But what I want to talk about is how we will handle ourselves when the time comes.
I've been into (serious) spirituality for more than 35 years, more than that in the last seven years, I've taken care of my mother who got blood cancer. (I'm a freelancer so every of my siblings decided that I was the only one who have enough time to do that. lol I take my mother to her hospital every month. Some month even twice or thrice. Each time, I have to be there almost all day, as there are so many patiences there, so I've really seen a lot of them.
I don't want to depress you with the scenes I saw. When I was a young man, I myself used to be in the ICU for months (rapture appendicitis three days before coming to hospital) and my doctors already told my parents that I could not make it. I could say that I survived that time, even my doctors said so, because of my previous spiritual practice. (long story, I'll skip it here). My point is I kind of know how I would feel if I'm going to die again (which is for sure lol). I already felt it once or twice.
Yes, the pain is real. Too real. And death itself is not that scary but only pain. Believe me, I've been there.
Again, I don't want to scare you or depress you here. I just want to comfort you that your spiritual practice will be very very helpful that time. Maybe the ultimate/practical usefulness of spirituality is this: to deal with your last days.
There is a method in Buddhism called "The Contemplation of Death". It's not pessimistic but realistic. If we prepare about our death in advance, it will be a lot easier when that day really comes.
Well, yes, it's a lot easier said that done, I know. I just hope that I've been preparing enough when I have to face that day again for the last time in my life.
Amen.

[mojomojo]

In my part of the world people rarely talk or think about death, nobody wants to entertain their end.
My mother passed away less than two years ago, never at any stage did she consider herself dying.
As is tradition in our country, immediate family sit around the bed and wait for the final breath to be taken, I would like to tell you its a spiritual, moving experience. but its not, in fact its horrible.
I was never close to my mother, so was quite shocked at the effects bereavement had.
I never asked for a sign or proof of spirit while all this was going on, whatever would happen, would happen naturally.
The night before she died, my younger sister, my wife and I were sitting in the same room. then came that feeling that spirit has arrived, I can only describe it, as if a protective dome had been placed over the whole house, and spirits were coming and going, my younger sister felt as if she was been hugged, and then they left.
Did that experience help with her passing, Im not sure it did, the feeling of loss goes very deep, as if a part of you is gone, I often wonder, do we suffer because someone close is gone, or because we have to face our own mortality.
I was told in my early forties, that this is it, while battling an illness that took four years to reverse,
funnily enough, my father has just been told his days are numbered, with the same diagnosis.
Having said all that, something does kick in, when you are told the end is near, a general acceptance or calmness, whether we can prepare ourselves for the end is another matter, I do believe, aware or not, nobody wants to die.

[gruntal]

They say that people experience things in response to the past; either things they did or didn't do. Debts for old sins or lessons neglected. Having reached an age where I am statistically courting death i.e. 70 years old and realistically entering what more often then not is the last decade of human life spans it seems inevitable to have my life flash before my eyes quite often. It is not a pretty sight. Not because of tragedy but because of a malaise of never being able to feel or accomplish much.

It certainly was not for a lack of planning or effort.

Because of that I guess I do stubbornly refuse to make any more plans. They never seem to work out anyway. With no kids and little if any immediate family and a state eager to gobble up my estate to repay present welfare I don't know why it would matter what I do now. The only caveat I do not get away with as much as I used to is "I may not have long to live anyway". That doesn't fit very well with my present boast " I live in eternity ". So death will NOT be my escape. The schooling goes on rather I live or die and classes in Heaven don't seem to work as well. The longer I remain here in the physical the more progress I can make.

Chalk up another enigma of spirituality: metaphysical truths are learned in the grossest of ways.

So the biggest difference now as compared to my past is I fret what I do is going to catch up with me. For better or worse. If it seems inevitable then there is no better time then the present to make it happen. But sorry - I can't imagine myself sick in bed surrounded by loving family easing my transition to the after life. Nor does holding a fist in the air in defiance appeal to me either. Truth be known nothing in my life ever worked out quite right so my death will probably follow the same ....

[aceofcups]

Hello George, Robert, Donq...

I have a strange connection to death myself... first from my death experience and return at the age of 13.  It has been one of my life interests and study this time around.    First from certain esoteric schools who use the death ritual as the symbolic learning tool of initiation etc etc... and then studying many books on Death and Life Between Life experiences.

For myself - I don't fear death, personally I am looking forward to the adventure when the time comes for me to pass on.

Just of few of books which meditatively rang true from my understanding were : "The Journey of Souls" and "Destiny of Souls" by Dr Michael Newton.    "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying" by Sogyal Rinpoche.    "The Unanswered Quesion - Death, Near-Death, and the Afterlife" by Kurt Leland.   The Tibetan and Egyptian Books of the Dead.    Linda Backman's books "Bringing the Soul to Light" and "The Evolving Soul" among many others including many theosophical writer's on the subject.

My mother just passed recently after a long bout with Alzheimer's.    I found myself able to send her peace in her new adventure while practicing a passing over ritual I have used many times.    I also tried to send the energy I was feeling over to my relatives who were more into the grief of losing her.   I don't feel leaving one's earthy body and plane is the finality of life.   Many with inner sight know that the passing person is met by former loved ones and and guides at this transition period.   And Many attend their own funerals' trying to projects thoughts and energy to any grieving person, (trying to convey to them)--- I am still very much alive.

[donq]

Hi Robert, Gruntal and Ace,

Thanks everyone for your sharing. Somehow I think this is a beautiful thread! Honestly, I don't want to add anything more as it might spoil it.

Besides, when I was writing my reply, telling about how I really felt when I was literally dying (usually I wrote it on my notepad program before I post it here), then, there was a power outage here and I lost everything (didn't save it in time). Was that a sign? A warning? I don't know. It's just that I'm too lazy to write it all over again.

Anyway, I still wonder what we believe or set of our believe would really help us to die well?
For example, Robert told about this experience, "The night before she died, my younger sister, my wife and I were sitting in the same room. then came that feeling that spirit has arrived, I can only describe it, as if a protective dome had been placed over the whole house, and spirits were coming and going, my younger sister felt as if she was been hugged, and then they left."
It was beautiful, wasn't it? If anyone holds that believe, would it help him/her to die well (peacefully)?
However, I kind of agree with Robert when he said, "Did that experience help with her passing, I'm not sure it did..."

I also agree with Gruntal when he said, "I can't imagine myself sick in bed surrounded by loving family easing my transition to the after life."
True. It's also our personalities. And everyone is unique. For example, I don't like to show my weakness/pain to anyone. It's my characteristic. So, surrounding by my loving family only makes it worse for me. lol And believe me, there's no dignity in any patient's dying bead in a hospital. Been there, experienced that.

Still, what we believe or set of our believe would really help us to die well? Here I'm not questioning whether what we believe is true or not. I only wonder if it helps? Does it work like optimist view or placebo effects?

P.S. @ace, There are some books you mentioned I haven't read them yet. Thanks again.

[hera]

My darling Dad's death (14 years ago to the day strangely) wasn't how it had been planned. We knew it was imminent and after sitting round his bed for 2 weeks were asked if we'd like to take him home for the end which we agreed to as we knew it's what he wanted.
We went home after being awake all night holding a vigil, during which Dad was completely calm with no medication administered for pain relief for his cancer and prepared the house because he would need to to be in the lounge, as the stairs weren't navigable with a stretcher.
I had been promised a ride in the ambulance that was bringing him home, so there would be someone with him all the time and was leaving to go back to the hospital for his final journey when we received a call to tell us that when they started preparing him he had suddenly passed.
Apparently it was a very ugly, messy death, much blood and I believe he chose that moment to prevent his daughters seeing it.

His calm acceptance of approaching death was beautiful to see and his love for us in his choice of time of departure made it somehow comforting.

Interestingly, in the days before his death, he told of having visited my oldest son who he had been estranged from for a few years and described the way he looked then and where he lived, which he could not have known because of their argument, so the separation from his body had already obviously started.


Still miss the dear man terribly, but he left a wonderful example of peaceful death by acceptance.

[donq]

Hi Hera,

Thanks for your sharing. Everyone seems to lost someone. While someone (like me) seems to lose everyone.
Your dad was a very brave man. And you were a lovely daughter. I already like him a lot even I have no chance to know him.
I kind of believe in the enhance perceptions in some certain situations. Some got it via drug; some via meditation etc.; some via critical situations (of the loved ones at the long distance); and some via a near-death experience (NDE). It was strange that I never got any NDE while I was in ICU except the literally near-death experience. Still, I got a lot of enhance perceptions via other means like meditation, I Ching consulting etc. (again, long story, maybe later).
Your story means a lot to me. Thanks again for telling us. It was beautiful, yes, and was a very inspired story. And as you said, "he left a wonderful example of peaceful death by acceptance". I just hope that I myself could do even a half of what he did when my time comes.

[donq]

The story of Hera's dad inspired me to finish what I started. The answer for the question "What are you preparing for your last days?" might be,"calm acceptance of approaching death" (Hera's words). That might be the key to get a peaceful death.
All our lives, fighting (the opposite of giving up and/or doing nothing)seems to be the only way to make us get through any obstacle, both small and big one. Hence the motto, "never give up, never surrender".
The problem is it strengthens our ego in one way or another. And then, when we are really dying that might be a very big problem if we never prepared to accept our death (or let go of our ego) before.
My feelings when I was dying was this (don't know if I could put it into English well enough): when you got serious sick, it was nomal that you could not move any part of your body any more. The only thing left there was your mind. Again, you could not use your mind to command your body any more. Still, your mind could feel each and every pain of your body more than usual. Then, in the final stage, there was some dread vibration trying to push your mind away, to somewhere else. The more you struggle with it, the more you felt pain and hard to die. Though all of our lives, this kind of struggle had helped us survive but not this time, this very final day.
Well, if only we could accept of our approaching death...
I knew (or even witnessed) some spiritual persons (for exmaple some famous monks I who didn't die so well. What did that mean? It only meant they were not real spiritual persons. They could not do what they said and taught. On the contrary, I also knew some persons who never talked about spirituality at all, but they died well and peacefully. So it seemed to me that the latters were more spritual persons! 

P.S. If you feel depressing after readind this post, please go to the music thread. It will help you, I promise. :-)

[mojomojo]

There is a mantra which runs through spirituality, that of dying while alive, the death of the ego, not quite sure how beneficial, that would play out, as I cant see the destruction of the ego entirely, while we inhabit a body.
As always, everything seems to be a double edged sword in spirituality and seeing the ego and body as illusions/not real, can often lead to a sense of disassociation and self neglect. But having said that on the odd occasion when we do get it right, there is a great sense of calm, of being witness to the body as it goes about its daily routine, decision making is very calm and clear, as there is no fear to contend with, its as if the mind has stepped aside and the higher self is running the show.
Only when the mind steps in does fear and indecision return. If we were to find something wrong with the body, the mind would worry and predict the worse outcome, often putting off a visit to the doctor, under the influence of the higher self, we would make the phone call, book the appointment and go, no fear, no judgement, just correct action. In this frame of mind, I can see no fear of death, the problem is maintaining such a mind frame, but I guess that all falls down to spiritual practice.


Just a useless bit of information, I was researching a little about my family name a while back, which is, O Leary, spelt Laoighre in the Irish tradition, a port just outside Dublin bears the name, Dun Laoighre, the port of Laoighre. This name goes well back in Irish history, right back to the fourth century, even into Irish mythology where it is linked with the queen of the banshees. For those not in the know the banshee is the angel of death, told you it was a useless bit of information.

[donq]

Hi Robert,

Thanks for you post.
I do agree about "a double edged sword in spirituality" as you said. Let me tell you some scences of my story.
After I was into spiritual practice for some years, I was kind of believe (too much) in "mind over body". In the other word, I was still so naive and stupid. Yes, I could handle any serious pain but the cause of it was still there. Always was.
After my appendix was broken (raptured, not only inflame/swell or appendicitis) for three days (that time I lived alone in my house), I fought with my pain, crawling on the floor etc,. my mother happened to visit me in time and immediately brought me to the nearby hospital.
You have to understand that my country is a third world country, that means most people (including me) are poor. We could not afford to go to some private/good hospitals but only public hospitals. And here what happened:
I waited from dawn till dust but no doctor there knew what was happening to me. I finally decided that it was better to me to go back home, and die there. When I was hesitating whether to pull some tubes out of my body (one went through my nose to my stomach: the other one through my thingy), a (visious nurse) :-) yelled and me and said, "What the f*** are you doing? It will be even more painful to put them back!". Then, I lost my patience. I pulled out everything, got up and stggered from that hell. My mother started to cry. My (older) brother who just came to see me raising his fist and threatened me to go back. I refused. So, he finally said at least let him bring me to another hospital.
Only after half and hour after we reached there, the doctors operated me immediately.
Here's some of my scences when I was in the ICU of that hospital. (It was private one and very very expensive. My dad had to pay a lot for that. I always felt greatful to him no matter what he did to my mother (they got divorced: my dad got remarried, my mother got depressed).
I had some big tube going though my mouth and nose again: thingy's tube; four big tubes through my belly pumping pus; my hands and legs were strapped down; my stomach wasn't close yet (I had another big operation coming). While I was there, one day I heard the voice of a patient who, because of her pain, tried to cut a nurse's finger. Another (old) patient cursed his wife everyday, commanding her to bring him back home. And one day, he tried to kill himself in the toilet after he tricked the nurse and go there etc. See? that happened to the private and expensive hopital! So mot to mention what happens in the public ones.
It was funny that when I was there and after the big tube over my mouth was removed, I could not help myself but talking about sprituality a lto. Finally, my parents and doctors decided to fetch a psychiatrist to listen to me instead. lol
And with all of these, my doctors still were not sure if I could survived and told my parents to prepare.

P.S. I wrote above without pausing. Sorry for any type and error.
P.P.S. I heared that Irish coffee is very very strong. Is it true?

[mojomojo]

Hello Monty,
that was quite an ordeal you went through, I shudder to think what might have happened, had you been left in the first hospital.
It seems the way of many countries now, a two tier medical system, those who can afford health insurance, who get looked after very well, and those who cannot, who end up in the public system, which basically means they are put on long waiting lists, some die before been seen, some who are in chronic pain, commit suicide. My country is very corrupt and money is power.
Basically they are trying to privatize medical health, so everyone has to pay, and if you cannot afford it, well,its self explanatory really.

As regards Irish coffee, I have never drank one, its more a tourist thing, but I think the strength comes from the fact there is Irish whiskey in it.