Hello everyone. Needing guidance here.

[angmor79]

Hello everyone I'm new to the forum. I wanna follow the spiritual path but I am stuck. I have years of built up self hate inside of me and I can't live with myself like this anymore. I am 39 years old and have not ever had a job or even learned how to drive. I am so afraid of everything and it has completely destroyed my life. I have depended on other people to make me happy which has caused nothing but a life of bad relationships and allowing myself to be abused and ran over. I've always heard that happiness and fulfilment is within us and that self love is the key, but how do I achieve that?

I meditate daily and read everything I can find on spirituality.I know that nothing is how we perceive it and somehow we are all one and at the same time nothing at all. I have a hard time grasping it tho. It's hard not to see things as separate especially other people who have their own point of views. Because of this I constantly worry what others think of me. I go out of my way even against what I think is right just to please the people in my life.

How do I get past this road block? I don't know how to see myself and others from another perspective. All I see is this shell of a person who comes short of being anything and I feel that's how others see me as well. I need some guidance and also wanna know where I can find others to talk to about this. I have no spiritual friends and I don't know where to turn.

[gruntal]

First and foremost any attempt at meditation or spirituality must assume there is indeed something out there. Either inside you or outside depending on how you look at it. The Rosicrucians call it the Master or the Master Within. The answers and/or guidance you get that way is not always very comforting at first. But it is guaranteed to be honest. I try to quiet my mind in my Sanctum and let guidance come to me. Be as receptive as possible. If in doubt just ask "are we one with God?". The demons will not lie nor will they pretend to be other then demons.

Also know you live in Eternity. You will experience everything eventually and over come it. For example I can't imagine my life without a driver's license but where I live the auto traffic is becoming a nightmare. Half of my family drove cars but the other never did and that alone wasn't a deciding factor in anything. Your mindset and abilities will only enable to do or be a certain way with comfort in any one given life time. But the goal is ever the same: to grow and progress.

Even the most insignificant baby step is still going in the right direction.

[angmor79]

Thank you gruntal for your insights. I do feel like I am on the right path. I have always had this knowing inside me that life was so much more than it seems. Way before learning anything about spirituality. I've even wondered if my entire life could be nothing but a dream. I was blown away to find out that science has pretty much proven that this is so and that our minds create reality. Does this mean that "I" (the world I perceive) is the only thing that exist? What about others points of view? Are they just a reflection of what I see or do they exist independently but as a part of a greater whole? If this is the case I can still see why one would worry what another thinks of them because even tho we are part of a whole, we still see each other as separate entities with our own perspectives.

I feel like until I really grasp the concept of oneness, I will never truly feel self love. I hope this makes sense.

[donq]

Hi Angmor79,

You asked, "I've always heard that happiness and fulfillment is within us and that self love is the key, but how do I achieve that?"
-As Buddhism is my root, I cannot help but think that the first thing you have to do is to find the followings:
1. What is your unhappiness?
2. What causes it?
3. What would stop it? (and/or what would make you happy)?
4. How to do to achieve 3. above.
Yes, that is the heart of Buddhism. It's called, The Four Noble Truths which could be adapted to any problem in our lives.

From what you said, it seemed to be the causes of your unhappiness? Have not ever had a job; so afraid of everything; have depended on other people to make you happy; bad relationships etc.

So, I think that your first step is learning to love yourself by trying not doing those mistakes that caused your unhappiness again, right?
Sure, it's easier said than done. Always. But without doing anything, the vicious circle would never be stopped, would it? On the contrary, whenever you try to do something about it, you would feel a bit better. And like some other things, with daily practice, it will get more easy everyday.

You said, "I know that nothing is how we perceive it and somehow we are all one and at the same time nothing at all. I have a hard time grasping it tho. It's hard not to see things as separate especially other people who have their own point of views. Because of this I constantly worry what others think of me. I go out of my way even against what I think is right just to please the people in my life."

-Without going into some spiritual/philosophical stuff about this, let me say that there are two truths: the conventional truth and the Absolute Truth/Ultimate Truth. The the conventional truth is that things are really separate. While in the Absolute Truth, they are not. Both are true in its own and has its benefit. If we don't accept the conventional truth that things are separate how could we survive in the real world? While the Absolute Truth has something to do with spirituality than worldly world. It helps us to become one with others again even not the worldly reality.
So, I think that you have to accept those two truths first and use it wisely. The rough example is "don't trust the stranger" (the conventional truth) is still true, if you don't want to be easily harm in the real world. And "love your neighbor" (the Absolute Truth) is also true if we want to live in harmony with everyone. Somehow the conventional truth makes our hard rigid while the Absolute Truth always soften our hearts. 

I believe you come to the right place. In the past 20 years, after trying many spiritual forums, I've been hanging around only here for more than five years now. Every one here is a good spiritual friend, I can assure you.

P.S. Hope this helps a bit. Sorry for any typos and errors. I've got a cold and seems a bit dizzy.

    
          

[angmor79]

Thank you everyone. I am aware that the thing I need the most is to learn to live myself and not fear everything. I have always sit and contemplated on it as long as I can remember. I know the source of my self hated but even tho I know that was the past and thoughts are irrational, somehow I still have them. I suffer from social anxiety and avoidant personality disorder. I've tried everything and no amount of therapy works. I hate taking pills to mask my feelings. I want them to go away completely. I worry myself to death in my current relationship because I feel like I'm not good enough for him even tho he treats me good. I turned to spirituality because I can't find an answer to why I feel like everyone else is better than me. Why do I even care what other people think? That's the question I need to find an answer to.

[aceofcups]

Dear Angmor

Good luck on your inner search for more peace, happiness and understanding.  On your periods of meditation/contemplation, if possible try to quiet as best you can and ask your inner Higher Self for insight on your situation you are facing within your mind, emotions and personality.   It sounds like your are asking ( going over situation in your mind again and again? ) but find it hard to listen and hear any responses.  Sometimes responses from our Higher Self can come in a variety of ways - sometimes even symbolically.

peace

[AuthentiK™Soul]

Good morning Angmor79,

I have been where you are, experienced the same emotions you are raising and felt the same pain. It takes guts to express your Self the way that you have and I Am touched. Realizing that there is something "wrong" is your first step to recovery, in that awareness lies your Salvation. Now, the question is how do you find It? You mentioned "I have always had this knowing inside me that life was so much more than it seems. Way before learning anything about spirituality
." This Is the Instinctive You revealing the Truth to You, about You. This Awareness comes from Inside You, nobody told you that and there's more from where THAT came from. You were born Knowing Who You Are, and the image of the world you see around you is blinding you from remembering your True Identity Inside You, by luring you to identify your Self with whatever form you find outside You. Nothing outside You can bring you lasting happiness, it only lasts for a moment, then you go back to feeling guilty, afraid, scared and alone. However it is in your loneliness where you find time to search your Inside and develop a relationship with your Instinctive You.

A book I would suggest you read is titled A Course In Miracles. Should you not find it, let me know and I will forward it to you. It has helped me immensely and continues to do so. I Am sure it will transform you too. All the "built up self hate inside" you, this book is a Complete guides to help you release your Self from fear and its attributes; and find your Being. Understand You Are Complete on your Own, nothing outside you can complete you but Self-Knowing. You just need guidance to Gain One's Definition and Be. It is an error in thought that you need to correct and everything else will fall into place.

Reason > Feeling > Believing > Knowing > Doing. Know thy Self and the Truth about Self will set You free.

You also mentioned "I have no spiritual friends and I don't know where to turn.
" WELL, NOW YOU DO. Feel free to email me at: authentiksoul, I will guide you through. I have overcame this, and made it my purpose to extend my experience to the whole. Is like you said: "We Are One", I Am You, You Are Me. Let's explore and embrace our similarities and ignore our differences.

Marcus Garvey once said "Emancipate your Self from mental slavery, for whilst others can free the body, none but Self can free the mind." This mind battle is yours to win and I believe, no scratch that, I Know You Can. Arise and Shine for the time has come, and that time is but NOW!

[sparklekaz]

Hi AuthentikSoul,

Welcome to the forum. I really liked your reply to Angmor, indeed as I have enjoyed reading the other replies by George, Ace, Donq and Mojo. In particular I found the following resonated.

"This Is the Instinctive You revealing the Truth to You, about You. This Awareness comes from Inside You, nobody told you that and there's more from where THAT came from. You were born Knowing Who You Are, and the image of the world you see around you is blinding you from remembering your True Identity Inside You, by luring you to identify your Self with whatever form you find outside You. Nothing outside You can bring you lasting happiness, it only lasts for a moment, then you go back to feeling guilty, afraid, scared and alone. However it is in your loneliness where you find time to search your Inside and develop a relationship with your Instinctive You." Beautifully put.

As you are new to the forum, you may not be aware that we are not allowed to exchange personal emails here. The idea is that the discussion is kept to the forum, where all can enjoy and benefit from the information, experience and guidance shared. I hope you keep sharing, and look forward to reading more of your posts and replies and getting to know you better.

Love and light
Kaz

[angmor79]

Thank you everyone for your replies. Sorry I have been without a phone for a while so I haven't been able to post. I had an incredible experience of oneness the other day. I was just relaxing on the couch by myself doing nothing but just reflecting. I remember the blissful feeling it gave me, but I don't remember the details or I would try to explain. I've also had some realization moments. One of them is the realization that every thought and opinion about myself and others or any situation is all up to me. I have a choice to perceive anything differently than I do. I'm still struggling with my insecurities tho. It's like I know what I have to do but it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I have to learn to love myself because I know it if the one thing that would make me happy and give me freedom.