Is this an awakening?

[angmor79]

Hello everyone. I'm new to the forum here. I don't exactly know where to begin. These past few months I've been having a lot of insights and realizations of how I view myself as a person and how it has effected my relationships with others and the way I view the world. I've had a hard life growing up which has led to a lifetime of toxic shame and self hatred. As a result I've always chosen the wrong people, or rather attracted the wrong people.

I have not had any spiritual experiences that I can recall but the last few weeks I've been depressed and more self conscious than ever. It just seemed to come out of nowhere. It feels like I'm feeling all the pain from everything I've been thru all at once.

I've always been curious about the nature of reality and what the meaning of life was but I never really understood spiritually or what it meant to be spiritually awakened, but this sudden onset of emotions has spiked my curiosity to research and study it and I was blown away when I realized what it's trying to tell us.

I am now going thru waves of feeling spiritual and in the moment to sudden bouts of depression and anxiety. Can anyone give me any insights as to what I am going thru?

[aceofcups]

Hello Angmor79,

Welcome to forum and the site.   Congratulations on starting to feel spiritually connected within and starting to let go of feeling of being depressed and those feeling of self-hatred.  Here is wishing this new inner strength gets stronger and more enduring over time.  It seems your coming to an opening up to a period of psychological and spiritual understanding that you are so much more.  Sometimes growth and life is a struggle, sometimes a joy.   Part of the journey is learning to understand there is inner help available and also learning that it is also up to us how and when we grow.  Humans are multidimensional evolving Being.

Happy traveling!

Peace, aceofcups

[hera]

Hello Angmor79, welcome to the forum.
I can very much identify with how you describe your circumstances and have been doing quite a bit of reading which is helping me understand more why we have these experiences.

I'd recommend Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth as a good place to start, it spoke volumes to me, and there are many other people working to help we mortals to live and understand the challenges we are all facing at the moment........Pema Chodron, Tara Brach and there are many more once you start looking.

I hope you find a way to understand and move forward through your current testing times

[donq]

Hi Angmor79,

What is spiritual experiences? Let me put it in the broad sense. They are  experiences we meet when we try to be the better persons.
Being the better persons don't always mean we will be more happy overnight. On the contrary, being better persons always means being more aware about everything, especially ourselves. That's why it makes us feel more pain. At least at the start and in between.
Let me give you an example, we cannot get rid of any and/or every thing/people that bright pain to us, can we? But we still can minimize "our feelings" about them (and even get rid of those feelings in the long run). Then, and only then, any and every thing/people that used to be able to bring pain to us would lose their meanings or capacities to do so. The true answer is always inside us. In-sight (of) us. Not outside nor out-sight.
There was a joke about a woman whom her doctor prescribed her anti-depression drug. A week later the doctor asked how she felt. She said, "The same. Though I've been aware that people around me seemed to be more calm"
The problem is many people stopped walking on their spiritual path because there were too much awareness, hence too much pain. Then, what we soudld do?  


Let me quote what Ace wrote on another thread, "Listening Intently for the Still, Small Voice of True Inner Happiness -  amid the Many Voices of our Ego Desires"

And as Hera put it well, "hope you find a way to understand and move forward through your current testing times".

Yes, it's your testing time, Angmor79.
 
Finally, let me quote from one of my favorite sci-fi movie, "Don't give up. Never surrender"