Hello Pami
You know, I know exactly how you feel. I thought my life would go one way, the way I wanted. But it hasn't. What I wanted and what I got are such different things. I tried lots of different things too, I went into psychology and sociology, then computers, then admin, retail, factory, art, self employment, writing. I'm not suited to monotonous 9-5 life either. But monotonous life is what I have right now so...I've had to learn to capitalize on opportunities.
My other half (now this is where it gets complex LOL because my other half is a light being, so he doesn't have a human body yet) is always telling me that you have to work with what you DO have. I hate that. I hate not having everything I want NOW, LOL but he's right. You have to look at what you do have and say...what can I make out of this? You may not LIKE what you can make right now, but you only have two choices -
use what you've got or
resist what you've got. Either way you will use roughly the same amount of energy. One way is constructive the other is destructive.
Actually, I have terrible anxiety attacks at work. I really struggle to go at all. But having a working life (and I work in retail and do intermittent factory work, so I know
boring 
) has actually taught me that it is possible to find motivation, love, spirituality in the mundane and boring tasks.
I think you just have to move with the current sometimes and find things to love even while you feel deeply unhappy and work on changing things. Work feels like a prison and yes, it is a gilded cage, and it's not RIGHT to expect people to work, to expect everyone to put in 40 hours a week. God knows we should shorten the working week! It should be 20 hours for everyone! Economists keep suggesting it. Some countries are trialing it now, I hear.
But jobs do present opportunities joblessness doesn't. At work I have a different social role, I can be of help to someone, even if it's just to present a face they want to see. It's just acting.
Yes Sir, no Sir etc. I can climb the career ladder just to say
I can. I can beat my anxiety. I can face my fears. Learn new skills. Show God and myself that I can do MORE, much MORE even as a highly sensitive spiritual person, that I ever dreamed of. That boring 9-5 expectation can work for me. I can mould it, even though I'd rather be somewhere else. If I commit to it, to what God and I have given ME, I can at least be proud of what I have made later when my situation changes for the better. I can say I was fully immersed in life, I can say I valued every moment even when I wasn't having fun. Life isn't always fun. Pain and unhappiness are part of life, sometimes I think we just have to grit our teeth and pray.
Life is so short. It's hardly worth fighting the system. Anyway, the best way to bring it down is from inside.
Maybe you should try going back to uni? I'm doing that
Charity work is wonderful work to do, too. I worked for a charity for a couple of years as an admin. It's very rewarding.
Luce
) has actually taught me that it is possible to find motivation, love, spirituality in the mundane and boring tasks. 