When will it be my time?

[donq]

I've just come back from my aunt's funeral in upcountry. She was 86 years old. So, it was reasonable her time. I drove my mother with me too. She is 80 years old. I have been taken care of her cancer 24/7 for 4 years. There was a time she could not get up from her bed but she is better now and can go to the restroom by herself.  Frankly speaking, she is living with her borrowing time and will be gone soon. Last month I drove to visit my dad who got a paralysis. Someone had to feed him as he could not move his hands, legs and some part of his mouth. He is a veteran who fought in Vietnam war etc. So it was even tougher time for him than war, to deal with this kind of situation that destroyed his pride.
What I want to say is I've been surrounding with old and sick people that always reminds me that everyone is going to die, soon, including me. I don't have enough time left to do something that's not important. There was a chanting about this that I liked when I was a monk:

Contemplation of Death (Maraṇassati)
(This famous verse is found in many places in the Pali Canon. Notably it occurs in the account of the  Buddha’s Parinibbāna)

In the present every being dies,
They will die in future, always died,
In the same way then I shall surely die.
There is no doubt in me regarding this.
Uncertain is life, certain is death. I shall surely die.
Death will be the termination of my life.
Life is indeed unsure, but death is sure, death is sure.
Not long, alas! and it will lie upon the earth!
This body here, Rejected, void of consciousness
And useless as a rotten log.

At my my aunt's funeral (in fact, it was a cultural cremation) while I was contemplating about this Maraṇassati I met a beautiful woman there. Eyes contacted eyes. Then I forgot about everything, including this Contemplation of Death.
What a pity of me!


   

[baangus]

When will it be my time?

Sounds like your time was when the new you emerged in that moment of eye contact. Your life changed from then on: the old you and the life you lead previous to having that experience of eye contact, fell away. This is what it means to be reborn in each moment. And each moment provides us the opportunity to recreate ourselves. That's one of the miracles of existence.

We are born, we move through the physical realm, we pass into the spiritual realm, we are born, we move through the physical realm, we pass into the spiritual realm... The continuous and eternal stream of birth, birth, birth. 

[sparklekaz]

Hi Monty,

It is really hard Monty, taking care of a parent who you know is coming to the end of their life. In a sense the grieving starts before they have even left us. Because we can see being stripped away, the very things that made them the vital, living person they once were. Old age and illness can be cruel. But, oh how fortunate your Mum is to have you there with her. What a loving, unselfish act to put your own life on hold, to be there for her. She may not show it, and she may be difficult. But make no mistake, she is aware of what you do, and is deeply grateful for it. I know when my own mum was ill and became very vulnerable and in need of care. We still argued, and she could drive me crazy. But I loved her, and I know she loved me. And I would never change being with her for anything. She's been gone now 11 years. And I miss her every day. I even miss our arguments. ha ha

There is nothing like going to a funeral, to force us to confront our own mortality is there. Death is the one immutable fact that we will all have to face. I suppose it can do two things. Motivate someone to stop 'messing about', procrastinating and get on with making the most of the life they have; or it can send them into a panic of depressing thoughts and a overwhelming mood of fatalism. We can sit on our bottoms and let life pass us by, or we can get up and rush headlong into it, arms wide open, eager to embrace it all, and happy to explore all the many experiences we've not yet had - knowledge and wisdom still to learn. I know which choice I'd rather make.

Your time will come again Monty, when you can focus on your own life and what you want to do more. In the overall scheme of things, you will look back and see that this time was in truth, nothing at all. And you will know in your heart, you did the right thing. I had to smile when you came to the end of your post and said "At my my aunt's funeral (in fact, it was a cultural cremation) while I was contemplating about this Maraṇassati I met a beautiful woman there. Eyes contacted eyes. Then I forgot about everything, including this Contemplation of Death. What a pity of me! " It is said, that in any moment our life can change. And so it did. For you, even amongst the thoughts of death and sorrow - there it was - The bluebird of hope, happiness and better tomorrows, in the eyes of a beautiful woman.

Love and light
Kaz

[donq]

Hi Baangus,

It's very good to hear about the miracles of existence. Sometimes I really forget about it. Thanks.


Hi Karen,

Thanks for your kind words. You have a good heart and always see a good side in every person. Unfortunately, I'm not that good. (I honestly cannot love a very selfish person). Neither does my mother. hahaha. I did what I did NOT because I love my mother (and she doesn't love me either). I did it just because it was a good thing to do. That's all. Even she is not my mother, I still do the same, if I could. I used to do that when I worked for NGO. I was a volunteer to take care of old people in home care (almshouse).  
This might sound strange. But my mother is...how to put it into words?...unbearable. She's very selfish and always thinks of herself first. I had a hard time accept her as she really was. It came to the point that I could not love her as my mother any more. I can love her just only I could love another old woman, another human being. It was too painful to love her like my mother. Do you know what I try to say, right? It seems I have to keep my distance so that I can take care her the best of me. Something like that. :-)

I like what you said :

"There is nothing like going to a funeral, to force us to confront our own mortality is there. Death is the one immutable fact that we will all have to face. I suppose it can do two things. Motivate someone to stop 'messing about', procrastinating and get on with making the most of the life they have; or it can send them into a panic of depressing thoughts and a overwhelming mood of fatalism. We can sit on our bottoms and let life pass us by, or we can get up and rush headlong into it, arms wide open, eager to embrace it all, and happy to explore all the many experiences we've not yet had - knowledge and wisdom still to learn. I know which choice I'd rather make. "

Yes, agree. As it's said:

"Don't wait for your ship to come;
swim out to meet it."

"A man must sit in a chair with his mouth open for a very long time
before a roast duck will fly in."
-Chinese proverb

P.S. Oh! But I forgot to ask her number! That beautiful woman with a bluebird of hope!
   

[mojomojo]

Hi Donq,
First, let me say I have great respect for you, not only for what you do, but for the person you are.

I have a quite similar situation as yourself, I grew up in a family where all the siblings, could easily be described as sociopaths, and the father figure, well I would use the word psychopath, maybe I'am the same, some of it must have rubbed off, anyway, I never loved my father, and it did turn to hate, and he most certainly never loved me.
This obviously caused a lot of suffering and pain for a long time, until I looked inside, discovered it wasn't my fault and that the fault lay with him.
When I fully accepted that he never loved me, and never would, only then did I truly begin to heal, was it the same for you, I know this question is of a personal nature, so , if you don't want to answer, please don't.

Forgiveness was always something I did not do, period, I did not forget and I did not forgive.
Two people in my life have done me major wrong, I'am happy to say, that now I can sit in both people's company, hold conversation and be completely at ease.
I even gave one a reiki treatment, five years ago that would have been unthinkable, LOL..

Which brings me to my question, please feel free to tell me to mind my own business, if this is too personal.
I believe you also have siblings, how come this situation of you been the one to look after your mother, came about?
Personally, if my father became ill, even though I don't hate him anymore, more like, feel sorry for him, I'm not sure I would want to look after him, I know he wouldn't want me to look after him.
Again, don't answer, if this is too personal.

With much respect,
Robert.

[donq]

Hi Robert,

Sorry that I reply a bit late. Here it is.

First of all, don't worry. Please feel free to ask anything. You are one of my close (spiritual) friends.    

You said, "When I fully accepted that he never loved me, and never would, only then did I truly begin to heal"

-Yes, you really got it right. It was the same for me. Not only about my mother but my ex wives, too. I think this is a paradox of accepting. To accept the truth that someone really don't love us. The healing will never begin if we never accept this truth. (What if I still cannot accept that my ex didn't love me?) Sometimes we deny it because we cannot accept the truth that they don't love us (both because we don't deserve their love and/or they never love other person except themselves).

You said, "Forgiveness was always something I did not do, period, I did not forget and I did not forgive.
Two people in my life have done me major wrong, I'am happy to say, that now I can sit in both people's company, hold conversation and be completely at ease. I even gave one a reiki treatment, five years ago that would have been unthinkable"

-Hahaha. We share so alike experiences and that's why I do understand you and you me. :-)


You asked, "I believe you also have siblings, how come this situation of you been the one to look after your mother, came about?"

-I have two siblings. My younger brother has 3 kids and his wife doesn't work. My elder brother has 2 kids who already  are graduated and have good jobs. No matter what their excuses are valid or not, the point is always about my mother. I mean she always protect my younger and older brothers, because they are (a bit) rich and always give her a lot of money. While I'm a poor writer who cannot give her any money. She wants they to take care of her, not me. But she also want their money. See my point? While she doesn't want me to take care her (I'm a Wednesday) but she has no choice. 
And everyone sees that I'm a freelancer so I have a plenty of time to do anything (which is not true because I cannot do my job well if I have to do so many things at the same time).
   

[mojomojo]

Hi Donq,
Thanks for the reply,
Yes, people can be very strange in their ways, we can only accept them for who they are, while not been affected by their neurosis.


Robert.

[krsnaraja]

I turned 58 years old last November 3, 2015. By the time I turn 60, I will be receiving my old age pension. To earn my livelihood before I filed my early retirement, I worked as a government physician. At present, I am a private physician specializing in family medicine. I have three kids. All of them are professionals. I have three grandchildren so far. My mother, Julie at 81 years old died last January 6, 2016 due to multi organ failure. My father, Mario, at 86 years old retired from his practice in family medicine, dermatology and pathology last June 23, 2015 due to advance old age, pulmonary emphysema. It`s always the one first in, the one first out. So, it is expected our parents  go first before us. It`s deemed tragic if we go first before our parents do. The question? When will it be my time? I can predict or prognosticate when I`ll go depending on my present illness or disease. If it`s hypertension, I bet I will die  soonest if I stop taking my anti-hypertensive medications. Not blaming always in God for our unexpected demise.

[sparklekaz]

Hi all,

I found myself reading this thread again today, and got to thinking about parental love. For those people who are parents and whose lives have revolved around their children. Who have always put their needs first. Imagining that other mothers and fathers are not the same is difficult.

I believe its important to remember that parents are first and foremost people. Who share the same weaknesses and strengths as any other human being. And that putting other people first is a trait often seen in mothers and fathers, it is not not exclusively their domain. As a rule, this kind of selflessness is not the most of dominant human qualities is it. Though in an ideal world, it would be nice to think it was. If I am honest, I believe our most dominant and inherent instincts are for self preservation and survival. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are consumed by our own thoughts and feelings. And on how the actions and behaviour of others, affect us.

I can totally relate to what Monty has said, though in fairness to my own mum, even though she was incredibly, self centred, selfish, at times illogical, extremely bossy, very controlling and argumentative. She was also loving and could be very caring. She took care of our needs to the very best of her ability and was the best cook. Her Sunday dinners were to die for and she could make something tasty out of nothing. She had a hard time bringing us three girls up on her own as she and my Dad divorced when I was in my early teens. Me being the eldest. In those days there was no help for single parents. She had to work full-time, and we were expected to pull our weight around the house. Yes, she was strict, and yes she was very volatile and could be at times very abusive. She never left us, and provided a home for us to grow up in. Later on in life she was diagnosed Bi Polar, and looking back, I'm guessing she always had it. Would explain her terrible temper and mood swings. The dark depression and weird behaviour. Growing up I couldn't know all this, all I knew was she wasn't like other mums and that I loved her and was afraid of her all at the same time.

I wish I'd had the insight into why she was the way she was when she was alive. But life rarely gives us those opportunities does it. I wish, I'd been able to just accept how she was and not let it affect me so much, but it did. And I can't change that. I guess what I'm trying to say is. Deep down, no matter how much it might look to the contrary, I believe that our parents do love us. But for some reason, they can't always show it. And that the feelings of inadequacy we feel, may be caused by this. Like a vicious circle. We then assume, they always favour someone else, other siblings, because that's how it looks on the surface. It might be that our siblings experience of them is the same as ours, and they think the same of us. That we are the favoured ones. We all have our own perception, and its only later on in life that we start to see that our own perception of the experience, might have been distorted by how we felt about ourselves at the time. I can see now that a relationship is two-way thing. If we feel angry and resentful, we are not going to make the effort to have a relationship with them, or to get past the facade they emit. To dig away to find out what is underneath the surface.

I think Monty has the best way of dealing with it. To see his mum as any other older cranky women who needs help. There will come a time when you will feel tenderness toward her Monty. When you can just love her as a son should. I hope you get the chance before the end. But I promise you, ten years from now, you might just view this experience differently to the way you do now. I hope your ok and making time for yourself. Its a cliche I know but they say that those who irritate us the most, have the most to teach us. I wonder if my own mum knows, watching me from heaven, just how instrumental she has been in my emotional/soul growth. Intended or not. For that I am forever grateful. And wish she were here now. One of the most poignant insights I have come to understand about her. Is that she was desperate to be loved. The attention seeking, tantrums and lashing out, was a tortured soul, desperate for love. Yet she achieved the opposite because of her behaviour. The thing about insight is that it comes to late to be able to help. And its one of the reasons why I will always feel I let her down. I who had patience and love for everyone else, because it was easy. Did not have enough for the one who needed it the most, because she made it so hard.

Love and light
Kaz

[donq]

Hi Karen,

You said,
"There will come a time when you will feel tenderness toward her Monty. When you can just love her as a son should. I hope you get the chance before the end. But I promise you, ten years from now, you might just view this experience differently to the way you do now. I hope your ok and making time for yourself. Its a cliche I know but they say that those who irritate us the most, have the most to teach us."

You see, Karen? You have a kind heart while I haven't. I have a different way to deal with not so good persons. Remember about my (second) ex wife who was a psychopath? I helped her as much as I could but I didn't have any feeling left for her. Really. I don't think I can "love" her as my ex wife or my friend. I just can't. But from the outside, no one would tell what I really feel.
The same as my mom's case. She will never known what I really feel. Partly because she's my mother and I don't want to hurt her feeling, and partly because she's so sick. What I try to say is I take care of her as much as I can because I'm her son. And I don't hurt her feeling because it will be good for her health. That's it. That's all.
So, ten years from now, I don't think I would view this experience differently to the way I do now. Because I already gave her as much as I could. And she would never know about my real feeling for her as she always mistakes that I (and everyone) love her or why I did what I did.   
Why am I so stubborn like this? The answer is I used to be so stubborn in the opposite way. I used to believe everyone is good. I learned the truth in the very hard ways that everyone is so selfish and even so cruel. Though I can forgive their selfishness and cruelness but it's still hard for me to forget. Somehow whenever I forget their cruelness, disaster comes. So, not forgetting is my crucial knowledge. :-)

Anyway, I've watched this video and like it. I knew the song "Every breath you take" (Sting) but not "I’ll be missing you (P. Diddy). These kids sang it so well.
What do you think when you heard this lyrics?

One black morning,
When this life is over...
I know...
I'll see you face.

As for me, I kind of feel bitter sweet. I don't believe in life after death but this lyrics gave me the feeling of release. Something like I finally met what/whom I've been waiting for a very long time. hahaha