What do you do when you cannot do

[donq]

[warning - this is a bit sentimental (if not emotional) post!]

Tough days…
Darkness everywhere
F%#*! F%#*!
Couldn’t see. Couldn’t see
Damn! damn!
Come on, come on,
calm down…just calm down
and search for light
Still nothing. Nothing!
Only darkness
Wait…
What was that?
a tiny little dim light!
Where did it come from?
Where was it?
Not out there, in here.
In here!
HERE!

What do you do when you cannot do?
I have been asking that question to myself for a very long time. When I was younger I thought I should not give up in any case. That was weakness. I had to try harder and harder until I reached my goal. I believed that there was always a way. Even when there was not, I should make a way by walking my way.
However, when I get older, I’ve found that reaching my goal was not that important. As I also had to pay my price along the way. So many times, it even wasn’t worth. And I always knew its aftermath later when it was too late. To be a winner, there were so many things to lose. Sometimes even losing some part of myself that I could not get it back.
Somehow, I felt that being a loser doesn’t matter any more. I’ve leant to be more and more happy loser. Was that wrong? Was that just my weakness, my excuse? I honestly don’t know. One thing I know for sure is being a loser can bring more joy to my life than being a winner. More than that, I feel more calm and relieved inside. Not so stress like when I always tried to be a winner. I can deal with anything that happens “even” when I’m a loser. Maybe that was the very reason I wanted to win all the time? I was afraid! I was so afraid to face the situation if I failed. Now I don’t feel differently. Winning or losing doesn’t matter any more as long as I can keep that tiny little dim light in myself. The tiny little dim light that always keep me calm and joyful even in the time of darkness. And it never left me even when I was so lost.

There’s always a dim light in the time of deepest darkness!
And there’s always a light after every darkness. Always!