What am I searching for?

[Ishtahota]

When I was growing up I had these keys to knowledge, or at least that is what I called them. One of these keys that stuck with me was knowing that the way out of this world that I was trapped in was to turn myself inside out. As far as physically turning myself inside out was concerned, any sane person could see that this action would only bring certain death. So what was it that I been given? What I came to realize years later was that this key was suggesting that I make an inward journey to discover the true nature of myself, and in doing so reawaken authentic self.
So what is authentic self? It is who we were created to be. Authentic self is a being that is fully awakened, sentient, and fully connected to all that is. They also have total access to the knowing, the knowledge that is contained with in us all. Yes, all of the knowledge in the universe is already in us all. The answers to all of the questions that we will ever have are already inside of us. So this means that if I can get the answer to one important question, all of my other questions would be answered before I even asked them. Who am I, is the most important question any of us could ever ask.
Why are we asleep and disconnected? Well the world that we are born into uses what is called duality consciousness. We are are split in half at the conscious level and this is not what God, the universe or our higher power intended for us.
So what is the world like for a person who is fully awakened and using non-duality consciousness? Think of a world with NO SECRETS, NO HIDDEN AGENDAS,and NO HIDDEN LIES. Think of being so connected to your brothers and sisters all around the world that if you pushed a button that killed a thousand people you would feel each death as if it were your own.
What will corporations, politicians, militaries, religious leaders, medical establishments, and drug companies do when we the people wake up one morning and ask the question WHO AM I.
One day I woke up and the Spirits gave me a mini-awakening, I turned to my wants and my yearnings and I saw the truth in what I was hunting for. I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR ME.

[sparklekaz]

Hi Ishtahota,

I remember when I first started following a spiritual path, though looking back I think I had always unconsciously followed it. Always sensitive to the emotions of others; constantly feeling there was things going on below the surface of life. I would hear and see things that other people couldn't. But I didn't understand what it was. I was always told by my mum I had an overactive imagination and so put it down to that. I was fascinated by the mystical, the unusual. Probably because on some level, I knew it was real, no matter how far fetched it might seem to others.

I used to hear the words look within for answers and for a long time I wasn't sure what it meant. Then when I did understand, I was at a loss as to how to connect with that part of me. I did have a very active and vivid imagination and would often day dream. So much so I would get into trouble over it. Particularly at school. My mum would say, 'there she goes again, in a world of her own' and it would drive her mad. So in many respects it was my 'guilty pleasure' and one I was made to feel was wrong. That I was using it as a means of escaping from reality.

In my youth, I'd use my inner world to escape from the anxiety of the outer. But still I struggled to understand what going within and receiving help and guidance would be. As my inner world was a place of fantasy. Where I could be someone who was brave and surrounded by people who loved and protected me. But they didn't really talk to me. They were simply guided by my mind, to fulfill what needs I had. In many respects now looking back, I'd created such a busy a complex inner world, it was hard to get past that to the silent part where I could hear my inner guidance and voice. And even then, I would doubt it and wonder if it was just 'me'. So learning to trust what I get from that part of myself has taken me longer I think then it might have someone else. I still often second guess myself. A real doubting thomasina

As my ability to sense and feel energy has really developed. That in itself has taken away a lot of those doubts. Being able to connect to other people and the world around me is a very tangible thing. One which leaves me in no doubt as to the reality of our interconnectedness. And that is where my connection to all that is, is most powerful. I know we live lives of duality, and it is hard enough for those of us who are aware of it, to come away from that. Particularly because of the nature of the life we lead. So for those who are not so 'aware', it must be terribly difficult. Requiring a real act of faith. I admire those people very much. I am still looking for the real me, beneath all the many layers of protection and defense I've had to acquire over the years, simply to cope with my strong feelings. I feel a deep resonance with nature and the animal world. People though I love them, it can be hard to relate to the way in which they behave and how the treat others. I'm also aware of how many are coming to awakening, but struggling so much with it, it's causing serious anxiety problems. We just do not have the spiritual support for the community now, as our ancestors once had.

An interesting post Ishtahota. Apologies for rambling on. Your words really made me think.

Love and light
Kaz

[gruntal]

I find it odd the two most important things an individual must rationalise to himself are also the two things impossible to convince anybody else of.

What am I? Nobody but you knows that.

What are the others? Everything from the G*d concept on down? Even when you know by defintion it is impossbile to communicate what you know. Because it is separate.

You can know the laws of chemistry and physics. The laws of math are your tools. At one level we can create a reality all can participate in. But at another level nothing has any existance except to the the extent it exists to each individual.

Another enigma of the Cosmos: the greatest things can no be shared. You can have them for yourself - and show somebody beside you how to obtain them for themselves. But you can not give anybody self awareness.

As above so below. Very few animals in this world will understand it is THEM they see when they look into a mirror. Humans, Magpies, maybe a few apes - the rest just assume the reflexion is just the dog accross the street. If you try to climb into the looking glass or bark at it you are going in the opposite direction!

[Ishtahota]

Sparklekas. The anxiety that many are feeling comes from the ego. It's tools that it uses to keep the body alive are fear, panic and anxiety. As we start to really grow in spirit our ego is slowly put into it's proper place over time. It does not like loosing control of our lives, so it fights back to regain control. I also see this a lot in recovery from alcohol and drugs. This period of fear, panic, and anxiety is what the mystics call dark days of the soul. I see it as a sign that people are really doing their personal clearing work. Real spirit work is not all love and light.

[sparklekaz]

I agree with you Ishtahota, spirit work, self growth, is definitely not all love and light. That is why I like to use it, to sign off. To share it to give it, I hope sends it where it is needed. God knows I think we do need it. Especially if we are struggling and trying to make sense of things.I know getting to grips with negative habits and aspects of character takes a lot of self honesty.

Growing spiritually is painful and at times can be really depressing. It's quite common for people to feel melancholic and hypersensitive to everything. The world can seem a loud, brash and violent place. I've often wondered what my place is here, felt tired of it all and want an out from the pain. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has felt like that. Particularly when going through that 'dark night of the soul'. Guilt, remorse about things we've done, not just to ourselves but to others. The more aware or awake we become, the more I think we hurt inside. Truly understanding the impact our actions have had upon others. Particularly people we love. What is that saying, 'that life is the only school, where we get the test first and then the lesson'. I always find that hard. Because although we can try to ensure we don't make the same mistakes again and try not to hurt others. It's too late to change what we've already done.

I am still not sure who I am. Though I'm trying to find out.

Love and light
Kaz