Letter from Brihmacharini Lakshmi

[Santhosh]

The letter hold great relevance to every seeker who often falter to curb our egos and instead go great lengths to fulfill it. I left Mata Amritanandamayi Math blaming my Guru for my shortcomings and even tried to for a short period wreck my vengence against my Guru on public forums for not letting me rule my fortress I built for myself in the Ashram. I left the ashram at the same time as Gail Tredwell (Gayatri). She was seen as one among Amma's foremost disciples and her departure gave my ego more fuel to run away from facing my inner follies. Gayatri had issues right from the beginning of her stay and was a very difficult person. She would constantly lie and physically abuse residents to get things her way. She was nicknamed "Queen Bee".


I do not in any way support Gail in her activities and this post should not be interpreted as a vain attempt to gain her publicity and increase the sales of her book which unfortunately has not a shred of truth nor evidence in any of its pages. The majority of us were relieved she left, as she misused her robes constantly, which none of us could accept. I have seen her physically abuse some of the Indian girls in public. On enquiry one girl (who was related to my family) informed us how Gayatri would go to any extend to make children suffer. I have seen her grab kids by their hair & throw them to the ground and grab the prasad Amma gave kids and throw them on the ground or out through the window and laugh. Most of us have always doubted her mental stability. As an ex-resident, I can confirm the book is an expression of Gail's need to gain at least partially her "Queen Bee" status and will not hold water in the face of scrutiny. Her malicious activities will go on until the day, just like myself, learn to quell the frustrations fueled by her ego.



Gail Tredwell left Mata Amritanandamayi Math in 1999 after living as a monastic disciple of her Guru for 2 decades. After severe public scrutiny of her book she published about her Guru in poor light, it came to light that her frustrations towards her Guru were rooted in the displeasure of rejection from a devotee of Amma based in New York to whom she fell in love with. Gail coined a name for herself - Amma's shadow, when instead she was known as "Queen Bee" for her materialistic demands and keeping several attendants. Below is a letter written by Amma's personal attendant and one of Gail Tredwell's confidants in the ashram in India. Gail Tredwell has a group of friends who is known to unleash a campaign of attack at anyone who writes poor reviews of her book. Recently, one of Gail's friends and supporters spread rumors of Lakshmi leaving the ashram, which made Lakshmi allow the below letter to be made public. Guru Ninda (sanskrit word meaning attempt to cause blemish to a Sat Guru) is considered the most grievous among the pancha mahapāpās (5 great sins) which it's said even God is unable to pardon.



Gail Tredwell


Letter from Lakshmi

My name is Lakshmi. I am originally from Holland, but for the past 29 years I have been a resident in Amma’s Amritapuri Ashram. In addition, for the last 19 years, I have been serving Amma full-time in her room in the ashram. My ardent prayer is that this boon of serving Amma should remain with me until my death. I am writing this because someone has brought to my attention that there are rumours on the Internet that Swamini Atmaprana (Dr. Leela) and I have left Amma. For the record, we are both still with Amma, contentedly engaged in seva. At this time, I believe it is my dharma (duty) to share some facts about Gail and my own personal experiences with her.

First and foremost, Gail’s claim that she lived in Amma’s room for 20 years, serving her, is not true. For five to six years prior to leaving Amma in 1999, Gail was no longer living in Amma’s room; she had moved to the upstairs level of the house. Thereafter, she would only occasionally come down to help me. Even before I came to stay with Amma, there were other ladies staying with Gail and Amma. Soon after she left, Swamini Krishnamrita Prana (Saumya, Australia) also started staying in Amma’s house.

In 1981, when Gail first came to see Amma, she didn’t even have an extra set of clothes. At that time, there was no ashram, only Amma’s family home. Regardless — without even inquiring into her name, place or background — Amma accepted Gail completely, entrusting her with all responsibilities. From that day onwards, till the day she left the ashram, Gail lived as a queen. She ruled over Amma’s parents, sisters, brothers, relatives, devotees, ashram residents, even Amma’s disciples. Gail always favoured a small clique of people — the people who obeyed her. Like a dictator, she trampled upon everyone else around her without the least concern for their feelings.

Gail, how many times I had to endure your uncontrollable anger and violent attacks? Hitting, kicking or pinching me, spitting in my face, pulling my hair, and bullying me… These were practically everyday affairs. Remember when you threw a hot iron at me? Not only ashram residents, but also devotees in Europe and U.S. bore witness to these incidents.

Isn’t it an utter lie that no one loved you or supported you, etc, in the ashram? In reality, the residents — both the Western ones and the Indian ones — the devotees and disciples — treated you with so much love and respect. Didn’t devotees welcome you in a traditional manner even performing your padapuja (foot washing ceremony)? Weren’t there Indian residents to bring you Indian food? Western residents to bring you Western food? People to wash your clothes? People to massage you? Without deceiving your conscience, can you say all of that is untrue?

Gail, in reality, the reason you left the ashram and monastic life is well known to you, me and a few others: You were in love with one of Amma’s American devotees. After you left, he himself told this to Amma. Distraught, he even showed Amma the emails you sent to him. I was present when Brahmachari Shubhamrita and another ashram resident translated these emails into Malayalam for him. You tried to lure this innocent man away from Amma, but your desires were never fulfilled. Unmet expectations and unfulfilled desires have filled you with revenge and jealousy, Gail. You have transformed into a vicious snake spewing poison into the hearts of innocent people in the vain hopes of infecting them with your lies and negativity.

You also desired to travel all around the world, conducting programmes by yourself. You expressed this desire to me and several others. It was with such desires that you left the ashram. However your selfish motives and dreams never materialized. Great spiritual masters have said that when our desires are not fulfilled, they manifest in different forms, like anger or revenge. Ultimately, it is we ourselves who are destroyed. This is what is happening to you now.

Due to Amma’s infinite compassion, she blessed you with so many opportunities, thinking that, eventually, some change might take place in you. Finally Amma even gave you the blessing of sannyasa (monkhood). Do you realize how sacred that lifelong vow is? Great spiritual masters know the past, present and future. Regardless, they will still give everyone — without distinction — the opportunity to grow and develop. They wait patiently, like Mother Earth. However, you — who gave importance only to your personal likes and dislikes — squandered all those precious opportunities. Submerged as you were in the negativities of your own mind, you were never able to imbibe Amma’s love, compassion and guidance. You projected your own faults and defects and weaknesses upon Amma. In the process, your mind has become filled with vengeance towards Amma.
“Now that we know what you are capable of — so much hatred and spite and vengeance – it makes me wonder if these events really were accidents.”

Often, your attitude and behaviour really frightened us all. Many of us clearly remember how, in Sweden, you persuaded Amma into a boat and then rowed it out into the deep waters and tipped it over. Several members of the tour group, including myself, heard Amma pleading with you to not take the boat out so deep. We all heard Amma loudly telling you not to rock the boat and to be careful. Suddenly, everyone started screaming as we watched the boat tip over and saw Amma disappear under the overturned boat into the freezing water. It was a terrifying sight. We all remember how, on another occasion, you made curry for Amma with potentially poisonous wild mushrooms, ignoring the pleas of brahmacharinis Pavithramrita (Leelavathy) and Vineethamrita (Sreelatha) to not do so. After eating it, Amma vomited for the next two days. A blood-test revealed there were dangerous toxins in her blood that could have been deadly. On another occasion, you gave Amma a much higher dose of medicine than had been prescribed. When Amma fell sick to her stomach, tired and giddy, you tried to blame me. There is no way you could have forgotten these things.

Swamini Krishnamrita Prana and Swamini Atmaprana also received sannyasa like you; they are shocked at your wicked nature. Now that we know what you are capable of — so much hatred and spite and vengeance – it makes me wonder if these events really were accidents. Regardless, Amma never said anything about these incidents to anyone. She simply accepted them, forgave you and continued to provide you with love and compassion.

“Despite your attempts to sell your vicious words as truth and thereby blind innocent people, Amma still says she has nothing but love for you in her heart. Hearing this, I can only bow down to Amma’s infinite compassion and motherhood.”

Despite all of these things, Amma has only asked us to pray for you. Still, to this day, even before she calls out my name, the word “Gayatri” often comes to her lips. Despite your attempts to sell your vicious words as truth and thereby blind innocent people, Amma still says she has nothing but love for you in her heart. Hearing this, I can only bow down to Amma’s infinite compassion and motherhood.

Amma doesn’t need to be explained or defended in regards to the accusations of a disturbed mind. But for the sake of righteousness, these matters need to be made public.

I truly am sad for you, Gail.

Praying that you come out of this darkness,
Lakshmi

[Leon]

I see quite a few people are checking the words left here, if you know something about this letter, do share with our group, as I know many of our members would love to talk about the subject, but are left a little in the dark. Hopefully a few of you can shed some light on the matter.

The letter was left here for a reason, and it has been left on this forum, so that we could all talk about it as friends.

[baangus]

Leon wrote: "The letter was left here for a reason, and it has been left on this forum, so that we could all talk about it as friends."

I have no knowledge of Gail Tredwell or Mata Amritanandamayi Math. I was however involved in a close-knit spiritual community for two decades. I found Santhosh's post to be quite interesting in that it mirrors many of my own personal experiences. As a result of those experiences, I have made it my responsibility of sorts to speak up regarding the insidious nature of religious and spiritual doctrine, and how it contributes to destructive, cult-like forms of attitude and behaviour.

The spiritual group I took part in was and is comprised of member communities, located throughout the world. I was either a full-time member, or had extended contact with, several of these communities in North America and Europe. There were organizational and behavioural similarities I experienced in each community that are identical to that which Santhosh describes in his post.

Even though the communities I took part in were promoted as being run in a communal and democractic manner, there was always one individual, or a small group of individuals, who took charge and who were considered to be the community's spiritual leaders. Another common theme was that in almost every case, the leader or leaders behaved in ways that were blatantly deceptive and dishonest, as well as emotionally and psychologically violent on some very real level. This undermining of community togetherness and trust, and individual confidence and self-belief, was how these individuals, in almost every case, chose to approach their 'leadership' work. By operating in this way, they were able to maintain both their elevated position in the community and their control over community members. And, relating now to Santhoth's post, they were specifically able to control and silence community members who were having a difficult time supporting this incomprehensibly dysfunctional approach to so-called 'spiritual togetherness.'

Something I had a particularly tough time with, was dealing with the (passive-aggressive) apathy of the 'beaten-down followers' who always made up the majority of the community. Like lambs to slaughter, these followers would never speak up, never question and, in particular, never support any attempt by others to sit down together and openly examine the state of the community and community's leadership.

This lead to person after person leaving the community in anger and on bad terms. People would yell and shout and accuse, and finally when the individual in question could no longer take the passive-aggressive attacks, and the emotional and psychological abuse, they would just walk away. And once they were gone, the faux-caring majority would speak in hushed tones about how wonderful the person was, and how sad it was they felt the need to move on, and best wishes to them nonetheless and of course!

Just so very similar to Lakshmi the devotee 'speaking' to Gail after her departure:
"Often, your attitude and behaviour really frightened us all."
"Despite your attempts to sell your vicious words as truth and thereby blind innocent people..."
"Isn’t it an utter lie that no one loved you or supported you, etc, in the ashram?"

[sparklekaz]

Over the years I have spoken to many people who have had very mixed experiences of belonging to a spiritual community. I think we also have to accept that individuals are drawn to them for different reasons. Those who are looking for a warm, loving spiritual community to live with and learn from; People who are running away from something. And those who are struggling, feel lost and alone and desperately wanting to find somewhere they can feel they belong. A ready made family unit. Though there are also people who join, leaving family members and friends behind. Indeed, actively encouraged to do so, having been told that these people are a bad influence, and will interfere with their spiritual progress and growth. This worries me as to me it looks as if in these situations, people lose all sense of self identity to become part of the 'group dynamic'. And it is this type of scenario I feel that gives genuine spiritual communities a bad name. Which is a shame.

I think it must also be accepted, that just as in life there are people who are manipulative and controlling; Who will use the admiration, bordering on adulation of others in some cases, to feed and satisfy their ego. There will also be elements of this within a spiritual group setting. Indeed, I think found within a spiritual community is a breeding ground for this type of behaviour. Because no matter what an individuals motives are for being there. Many will be incredibly vulnerable and susceptible. And because of the atmosphere of secrecy and subtle pressure made upon it's members to keep quiet so as not to 'rock the boat' and create bad publicity. Many suffer in silence. Would rather keep quiet, then run the risk of being asked to leave. Would rather stay in a dysfunctional situation then return to the 'outside world'. Which gives those people who abuse their position within the community, almost a free hand to do whatever they wish.

I have never lived in such a community, but I can say I have experienced first hand the powerful emotional influence of a spiritual leader. The charisma and manipulation. Where what you know what is not right and not coming from a spiritual place, can be twisted to seem normal. The fear of being ostracized and ejected from that group, if you do not go along with it, or worse tell others. To be made to feel whatever is wrong, is your fault. I love my online spiritual community, and have thrived in many respects by being part of it. But I would have to say, I would never again become part of a spiritual group in the physical, in person. It is too open to abuse and can become addictive. A way of not facing up to life lessons through growth. A place to hide from the world. Rather then being part of the world and growing through it.

Love and light
Kaz

[baangus]

All very true Kaz, great insights. The problem here, and one that I came to recognize and experience for myself, is that one cannot see any of that when they are in the midst of it.

I've been fortunate in my life in that I've had several instances of a spiritual intervention happening at key moments in my life. In fact and oddly enough, it was both a spiritual intervention in my 20s that lead me to originally join this community, and another in my early 40s that caused me to leave. In the case of the latter, I was standing in a room arguing with some people. I was forcefully and aggressively spouting off a number of spiritual "facts" (i.e: dogma and doctrine) that I had come to believe as a result of my two decades of indoctrination. At one point a young boy in the room started to cry, after which one of the adults told me to stop acting like bully.

It suddenly was as if I were standing outside myself viewing this whole scene. And the 'me' standing on the outside casually asked, "Why do you think that? Why do you believe these things? They're not spiritual truths and facts. They're ideas and concepts that you have chosen to believe. That's all they are."

It was as if someone had snapped their fingers and awakened me from a 20-year sleep. I instantly recognized these words as true. And that was the end of my relationship with this group, just like that. I did try to get involved with them again on a few occasions over the next few years, but I could only stomach being in that energy for a very short period of time. For me it was as unconscious a habit as smoking and drinking was when I was younger, and just as difficult to quit. And it really wasn't until I had this intervention experience that I could see how blind I had been the entire time I was involved with that group.

[sparklekaz]

It's crazy isn't it. To suddenly realise that you have become someone or part of something that has all the hallmarks of a rigid doctrine, discipline, that you were trying to get away from. I often wonder if just being part of a group makes it inevitable. One minute, we are free thinkers, going with the flow, Enjoying the stimulation of sharing with likeminded others and then wham! You've become stagnent, closed minded, trying to force your opinions onto others, and certain of your truth. You literally stop listening to anything different, because you believe you now have all the answers. I'm not talking about you literally Baangus, or myself, but at times I have seen aspects of this in me.

I found it interesting when you said that that joining your community happened through a spiritual intervention, as did leaving it. I believe no situation is good or bad, just what we make of it. I think you were meant to be a part of it and that you know you learnt a lot from the experience. Whether it be personal and mental discipline; a direction and purpose for that time and the connections you made with others. You left when you had learned all you needed to learn. One of those things I would think, was a profound insight as to how someone who has the best of intentions can find themselves becoming something that never thought they'd be. Just how insidious it is and how easily we can deceive ourselves. I think if it were me I'd feel grateful and humbled to be shown that, to understand how it is easy to judge someone else, until you've been in their shoes. I am sure it made you more compassionate and less judgemental of the attitudes of others, you once did not approve of.

I think the ability to remain free minded lies in staying independent.. a free spirit. Someone who comes together to share with others, and enjoys doing that, but does not immerse themselves in it. As we appreciate others respecting our opinions and our boundaries, so we respect theirs. I am not sure living together in a hot house environment allows this to happen. The only place I think sharing our idea's and retaining our individuality occurs is within a college or university. A place where people are actively encouraged to question and test and push boundaries, to grow. Where individuality is encouraged and admired. Now I would love to attend that kind of place of learning. 'The School of Spiritual Wisdom, Growth and Soul'. A bit of a mouthful. But sounds good to me.

Thanks for sharing

Love and light
Kaz

[baangus]

Mar 6, 2014 17:05:33 GMT sparklekaz said:

I found it interesting when you said that that joining your community happened through a spiritual intervention, as did leaving it. I believe no situation is good or bad, just what we make of it. I think you were meant to be a part of it and that you know you learnt a lot from the experience. Whether it be personal and mental discipline; a direction and purpose for that time and the connections you made with others. You left when you had learned all you needed to learn.

That is all correct of course Kaz. I'm not someone who regrets things (much). At the same time I can't say I'm particularly thankful when things become so bad it causes stress and depression. I see these are life lessons, and it's all copacetic. Besides, we're eternal souls and we incarnate many times, and so with that knowledge it's nonsensical to carry resentment, and to get hung up on the unloving details of our transient life experiences. (The loving details on the other hand are a great thing to contemplate upon!)

But going back to an earlier comment I made, I do find it difficult to stay quiet when I see lower-Self indoctrination consciousness and behaviour being passed off as some elevated form of spiritual attunement. A person loses all credibility the moment they say, "They are shocked at your wicked nature." Wicked nature? Dark Age cognizance and hyperbole? Really. What's next, burning Gail at the stake? And how about the ironic finger-pointing: "Now that we know what you are capable of — so much hatred and spite and vengeance..."

Lakshmi ends with, "I can only bow down to Amma’s infinite compassion..." I guess bowing down means someone else can be the compassionate one and just don't ask me to be that person.

[baangus]

So I see now this thread is just part of an orchestrated attack on Gail Tredwell and her book, Holy Hell: A Memoir of Faith, Devotion, and Pure Madness. It's enlightening reading the book review comments on Amazon; doing so removed any doubts I had about this group being a cult:

-The book details Amma’s physical and verbal abuse of Ms. Tredwell and other devotees, always behind closed doors, to preserve the loving image of Amma, The Holy Mother. Ms. Tredwell alleges that Amma had sexual relationships with several of her swamis, while demanding that her followers (even married ones) take a vow of celibacy. One of the most damning revelations in the book is that Amma menstruates just like a normal human woman. Why is this so shocking? In her biography, it is claimed that Amma is “ever pure” and does not menstruate. This claim of course bolsters her self-appointed position as the embodiment of God.

-The book does not mention that one of the popular items for sale on the tour is handmade Amma dolls, which devotees are encouraged to buy, sleep with, and talk to as if they are Amma herself. When you see a grown, professional, educated adult who you respect and admire cuddling and talking to a doll, you know something is going on that is not healthy.

-The smear campaign being waged against Ms. Tredwell reminds me of how Scientologists treat those who have left the organization. They would have us believe that Ms. Tredwell, who spent 2 decades never more than a few steps away from Amma, was actually a terrible person, disliked by all. If that is true, it wouldn’t speak very well of their beloved Amma, would it?

One final thought: Given Santhosh joined God Light to post this and hasn't returned since, I wondered why this thread wasn't simply deleted months ago. What Santhosh posted isn't spiritual dialogue, it's an attack thread. There was never any intention to engage in an honest and open discussion on the topic. Certainly if I started a thread and began naming names and writing attack letters to those who offended me during my two decades of spiritual group work, I would expect my thread to be deleted. It's offensive and it goes against everything a spiritual discussion board should be about, or so it seems to me.

But I suppose if something sparks discussion, it's worthwhile on some level. As one other book reviewer wrote:

-Chapter after chapter, she gives a compelling narrative of the soul numbing task of trying to reconcile the abuse of power, the lies, the manipulations, the PR spin, sexual abuses & the myth-making by all the devotees. It is a devastating phenomenon like no other, and I think memoirs such as Holy Hell are an important red flag to all spiritual seekers.

[Leon]

I do not understand why anyone wastes their energy Baangus. If speaking out does not bring clarity or love, then those that speak are wasting their time. To circulate gossip and controversy is childish and non-spiritual. Maybe the people involved should learn to rise to a higher level, in the end those that throw mud to tarnish someones name only become dirty in the attempt. The post has been left so all parties can see that this is a pointless game. No ones wins, but everyone starts to look stupid in their attempt to rubbish another. I hope they learn their lesson, it is not one we advocate here within The God Light. Hopefully all concerned will see the light one day.

[baangus]

Hi Leon. Yes, I understand, and that's what I was getting at as well with my final paragraph: red flag etc.