How can I avoid basing happiness in someone I love?

[warren25]

Hi there. 

I'm new here and have found my spiritual space through the work of Eckhart Tolle.

I have attempted to reconnect with a girlfriend I broke up with 2 years ago.

I have a very heavy pain body and learning how to embrace my spirituality in the present moment has helped me very much.

I seem to be able to love life for the present moment only being badly defeated when thinking about her.

In wondering whether we'll become something again I have become obsessed with her, clearly not the traits of an enlightened person. 

I am afraid. My intention is to be able to bring the light of peace that I've discovered into our relationship. A peace I never knew. But I am now frozen by fear wondering if I have at all changed and if I will ever truly be capable of change. 

I don't want to hurt her as I did in the past and want to join support groups, get advice here, go for counseling with her and speak to a therapist. 

I just can't seem to convince my mind that my joy should come from life and the present moment instead of her. 

I afraid of becoming desparately dependant on her for my happiness again. 

Please help!

[sparklekaz]

Hi warren,

It is really nice to meet you.

There are many reasons why some people find it hard to move forward from a previous relationship. It can be because they did not make the decision to end things, and so are left with all these loving feelings for that person, that do not just go away. If only we could switch love on and off like a light, how much easier it would be to recover from a broken heart. But it simply does not happen that way. A grieving period has to be gone through, where we have to accept that the person we loved, cared for is no longer in our lives and in time it does get easier to accept and let go. It also makes a difference, if someone or something else comes into our lives to fill that void the person leaves.

All to often, people make the mistake of rushing into another relationship, to try to 'reproduce' what they once had. Again, that does not work, because we are all different. Each person we meet will bring something special and unique into our lives and need to loved and respected in their own right. So whilst it is not good to shut yourself away from life, it is also better to take things slowly and get used to being on your own. Enjoy spending time with family and friends. Start something new, such as a interest or hobby. Which is a great way of making new friends, and leaves less time to brood over what was.

Another reason for not being able to get over something from the past, can be guilt. Especially in relationships in which we either blame ourselves for things going wrong, or know that our behaviour was poor and because of it we have caused pain to someone else. I believe the very fact that someone feels remorse, shows that they have understood the part they played and feel great regret for it. We cannot change the past, because what is done is done. But we can ensure we learn from our mistakes and make a promise to ourselves that we will not make the same ones again.

I believe all the experiences we go through in life, even the negative ones, can help us emotionally grow up and become better people. Which is what I believe we all aspire to do. I believe, anyone who says they have never made a mistake in their lives or done something they regret, is either a saint or a fibber; And everyone deserves a second chance at being happy.

You said something very insightful in your post when you said " I just can't seem to convince my mind that my joy should come from life and the present moment instead of her. I afraid of becoming desperately dependent on her for my happiness again." This shows that deep down you do understand that true joy and contentment comes from within. That if we expect others to provide that for us, we are always going to be dependent on our relationships with others to fulfill us and make us happy. When what we need to do, is to find that feeling within ourselves.

Your self esteem is low at the moment and you need to regain some faith in yourself. It will come Warren, but it has to start with you believing in yourself again. Focus on your many good qualities, instead of what you see as perceived weaknesses or faults. Find pleasure in life through doing things you enjoy, look for the good things in life that are many. When we become obsessed with or over focused on one thing, we can become blind to all the beauty and positive things we have going for us in our lives.

I hope this has helped Warren. You are not alone, many have gone through similar experiences and come through, stronger, wiser and happier.

Love and light
Kaz

[samy03]

Hello Warren,

LOVE is something that we all human beings/animals/other creatures need/get in our life in different forms, like:

- When a new born baby can't see his/her mother around. There love for them converts into a fear of losing the loved one.

- When a husband and wife becomes a parent & unfortunately lost their child in some accident/tragedy. Then there love for the child and all those expectations they had were destroyed like a house of Sand.

- When a girl gets married to a guy & leave her maternal parents. Then her love for the parents makes it too hard for her to adjust herself into a new environment.

- When a couple goes through the phase of making their family financially & socially big and strong. Then that period and the situations which makes them feel cozy and all the differences that builds among them emotionally as well as physically. In such a moment, its the love that they both look for by recalling the golden periods of past and cherish themselves accordingly to start growing themselves in a more patience levels.


- Same as like, When a boy and girl feels like they are not getting the same kind of love, care, respect, space from the other side, like the way it was previously. Then in comparison to a married couple, they know that still they have lot of options to learn from the mistakes and move further in the search of someone else where they can get what they want. But they don't understand/realize at that moment; that searching for a new love is not like the way we change our clothes.

Time is the biggest healer of any kind of pain/stress. Your un-conditional love for someone is the only way to grow the relationship and live the material life in a more simpler & easy way.

Don't just force yourself so hard on things whether living or non-living, that feels you addicted to them and can't let you feel the real meaning of Pure love, which is neither with a expectation, nor it will be for the sake of xyz things to get. And, makes you strong enough that I (the spirit) can live happily even when the time or the situations are hard to face, whether its related to family matters/other relationships.

Remember, if you love someone with zero expectation & complete unselfishness. Then the 80% of the work is done through your own aura of positivity that will build you as like a place of heaven, where everything is peace, love & affection for anybody, anywhere & at anytime.

So make thoughts positive. See the bright side of the life. Just do whatever you can do in terms of your part of efforts/initiation/help/interaction with the other side (whether its with this girl or somebody else.....it should be the same for everyone). And rest the nature will take care off.

If she is gonna be a part of your life. Then these small small issues can't have that power to change it.
Only you have to be positive with yourself first. And just be the way you were with her lastly.

Whether its the Love or some other relationship....To build it strong and long run, then only and only your faith & trust is the key for your success to be with the other person you feels like the one made for you only

Amen.

God Bless Everyone.

[simm]

Hey Warren I will give it a go answering your question. Hope you find some assistance in what I have to share.

First off: There is NOTHING wrong with you. You may have put attention to something that isn't really worthy off you (hence the pain) but you will never be a mistake or wrong in yourself. Now what you believe in and what you define as true might very well be untrue and will just cause you to experience a great deal of pain. What you have to do is to just find out what is making you experience this pain when you see your ex girl mentally or physically. This you have to find out for yourself by investigating the why you feel like you do. What do you have to believe is true for this to hurt so much? What do you believe about the girlfriend's experience that make you feel guilty? There are many different questions you can ask yourself that will lead you to the source of your pain. And I would also ask you to consider the fact that she has nothing to do with your pain. She doesn't. She just don't. The pain we experience in life is always coming from what you call the mind. It never ever comes from the outside world we think we experience.

Now what can you do about this problem? To be honest the only solution to the problem is to see that there never were a problem but it is the belief in the problem that makes it seemingly real. You can ask yourself "what can I do to stop believing that pain is real?". Sometimes action is required to ground or physicalize our intent into our experience of this reality. I will also give you an meditationlike thingy you can do if you feel motivated to do so. Will you read it? Because here it comes!  
So, sit or lie down and do whatever relaxing exercise you feel comfortable with doing (like concentrating on the breath). Then at whatever pace you feel comfortable bring the energy of the situation or the energy of the girlfriend into your mind. Don't force yourself and do this at whatever pace you feel comfortable doing so. And what do you do? Well, just observe and be aware of what happens. Like what emotion comes? What thoughts come? At the beginning this might seem overwhelming to do but if you apply this and let go of the fear of feeling the energy that you believe causes you pain. As you do this more and more in a variety of ways you will notice that the energy doesn't trouble you that much anymore till a time when it is just nothing. You will be able to look at the whole relationship without feeling any pain at all and it might even be so that your love for the girl increases as the belief in pain is removed.

This is basically how I have dealt with any pain during my experience. It comes to a point where pain is very superficial and it wont bother you at all. Hope you find this post helpful and that you choose to let go of your pain. Blessings on you.

[skaroop2]

If you want to reconnect with Her then she has to be willing, and you can't control that.

However, if you want to let her go so that you can be more present, then I think meditation will help.

Eckhart Tolle's books are very wonderful but he offers no practices to train the mind to live in the moment besides intellectual awareness/realization.

There are some great organizations out there that teach it -- the ones I know are Sadhguru's Isha Foundation, Art of Living Foundation, Amma's organization, and Transcendental Meditation. I have had personal experience with all but Sadhguru's organization and they are all very wonderful.

There is also this concept in Vedic philosophy called Samskaras which I feel a bit underqualified to explain but can perhaps give a brief overview of. It's said that when we do an action, some impression is created in our physiology/soul for that action to continue in the future. So when we break up with a loved one, we may feel like continuing to be with them when it may no longer serve us. If that's the case with you, meditation can help to dissolve bad samskaras and strengthen good patterns of action. That is my limited understanding of it -- you may want to Google Samskaras a little bit and see what it brings up for you and if it helps you understand your situation.