Post by blissfull on Mar 1, 2009 12:00:37 GMT
hi all,
i recently found this site and looking through,signed up straight away! I'm 27 young woman and still feel like I'm a trapped child, and selfish fir that...i am going round in circles for the last 4 years and getting more and more frustrated with myself...and really loosing hope that i will stop this train crash of negative thinking
I am the youngest of 5 strong and good children, My mam is not a very happy person and suffered a terrible incident when she was a young girl in the hands of a priest which she suppressed for years, but isolated her allot and is quiet a closed person for that.\When i was born my mam went in to hospital for depression and was in and out for 10 years, my dad was starting and ran a very successful business for over 30 years so as he was starting out at the time different family members looked after me..and i was happy and new no different..i was a distraction and always laughing and smiling and liked to look after my mam..and would remind her to smile if i saw here looking distant!!
my brothers moved out quite young and my sister and mam struggled allot with their relationship, i get on with both my parents and my sis and younger of the brother resented me for years as my parents would really show an interest into my life as their marriage as my mam would tell.was nothing there and that she did not love him..ever..this still breaks my heart, as they are both good people but together so distructive..to everyone else we look like we have it all..but i wish we all had less possessions and more love and understanding for eachother...to cut a long story short i found solace in my friends and preforming ins musicals as i got to escape into my fairytale world he he!! i developed and eating disorder at 17 and see now that it was a way of trying to get some sort of control..when i saw the pain i was causing to those who loved me i let go of it..well most, my sis also went through that just as i got better..we all work for our-selfs and very independant...but i lake any sort of discipline and spend too much time trying to understand people, angles, god, I'm really trying to find some piece of mind and feel like I'm maybe as crazy as some people think i am!!
I went out with a guy for 7 years ans lived with him for 3.I loved him and found great comfort in having someone other than my family to listen and simply hug me.He was quite closed like my mam so would never push him..but felt was a part very closed to him.To cut long story short he stared a new job and feel for a girl in his job and about 8 months later i told him to go to her....it broke my heart to be so unwanted and this really floored me..i moved back to my parents as could not cope with going home to a empty house as i also was staring out my own salon in rear of parents house..although we had found a lovely dog who i still have a nd love...she is a bundle of love and really kept me going(Icon its only a dog, but she is like my baby ha ha) All my friends and boy friend grew up together so that was very difficult as i would have to go to events and see my ex with his new girlfriend, and i still did his mam and sis hair as got on rally well with his family...so year later i was not getting anywhere so decided to go to oz!! and I'm SO glad i did!!!!! Did the cost with friends of friends and when i arrived in Sydney i felt like i had arrived "Home" for the first time ever! That same day i got a call to say mam had cancer, but they stressed i was not to go home and that it was treatable, so i decided to stay in Sydney as could hop on to a plane quickly if needed.The botanic gardens is where i started and along the cost, seeing wales is where i only began to see "the beauty of the world" and peace..and i learned to meditated and met so Meany people from all over the world!! but i still missed home, so be for mam was to have her operation i flew home to surprise her..same time home i met a lovely guy but flew back "Home" to Sydney, he wrote to me and kept in touch and was so happy to have someone think so highly and understand me..i came home and mam got the all clear but mentally she has gone very distant and dad is suffering from abuse my mam gives him...im still working at my business but i have no motivation..i feel ashamed and a waste as so Meany girls would and could do so much more with their talent..with padraic want to fall for him but sooo afraid, i feel different around my own friends and more disconnected than ever..I'm renting a house and seem to hide away in my room than talk to peple..i feel like im loosing it...and old eating habits taking over again...sometimes wish i did not come home..sooo confused and just wish i could get through to my angles to help me..i know their are people out there with terrible things going on and i feel SO bad and guilty for not being more positive... I'm so sensitive to peoples emotions and sense atmospheres really quickly i let it effect me...i really feel lost and ashamed that i cant break this cycle....i pray all the time...and not able to hear any answers..i dream all the time of my ex and although i don't want him back or wish him and his relationship any badness i still cant let go....
i really needed to write all this down and just hoping that some one can recommend any good books or meditation to take me out of my own bubble and help others, as i know it is in giving that we receive, and i also would love to have more meaning to my life and why we are here!!! My friends i made in oz understand me far better that my friends here, and are far more open about spirituality too...Well thank you for your time and any suggestions would be great..i want to do good things with my life and get out of this selfish rut!!!!!
In love, piece and hope,Fiona
i recently found this site and looking through,signed up straight away! I'm 27 young woman and still feel like I'm a trapped child, and selfish fir that...i am going round in circles for the last 4 years and getting more and more frustrated with myself...and really loosing hope that i will stop this train crash of negative thinking
I am the youngest of 5 strong and good children, My mam is not a very happy person and suffered a terrible incident when she was a young girl in the hands of a priest which she suppressed for years, but isolated her allot and is quiet a closed person for that.\When i was born my mam went in to hospital for depression and was in and out for 10 years, my dad was starting and ran a very successful business for over 30 years so as he was starting out at the time different family members looked after me..and i was happy and new no different..i was a distraction and always laughing and smiling and liked to look after my mam..and would remind her to smile if i saw here looking distant!!
my brothers moved out quite young and my sister and mam struggled allot with their relationship, i get on with both my parents and my sis and younger of the brother resented me for years as my parents would really show an interest into my life as their marriage as my mam would tell.was nothing there and that she did not love him..ever..this still breaks my heart, as they are both good people but together so distructive..to everyone else we look like we have it all..but i wish we all had less possessions and more love and understanding for eachother...to cut a long story short i found solace in my friends and preforming ins musicals as i got to escape into my fairytale world he he!! i developed and eating disorder at 17 and see now that it was a way of trying to get some sort of control..when i saw the pain i was causing to those who loved me i let go of it..well most, my sis also went through that just as i got better..we all work for our-selfs and very independant...but i lake any sort of discipline and spend too much time trying to understand people, angles, god, I'm really trying to find some piece of mind and feel like I'm maybe as crazy as some people think i am!!
I went out with a guy for 7 years ans lived with him for 3.I loved him and found great comfort in having someone other than my family to listen and simply hug me.He was quite closed like my mam so would never push him..but felt was a part very closed to him.To cut long story short he stared a new job and feel for a girl in his job and about 8 months later i told him to go to her....it broke my heart to be so unwanted and this really floored me..i moved back to my parents as could not cope with going home to a empty house as i also was staring out my own salon in rear of parents house..although we had found a lovely dog who i still have a nd love...she is a bundle of love and really kept me going(Icon its only a dog, but she is like my baby ha ha) All my friends and boy friend grew up together so that was very difficult as i would have to go to events and see my ex with his new girlfriend, and i still did his mam and sis hair as got on rally well with his family...so year later i was not getting anywhere so decided to go to oz!! and I'm SO glad i did!!!!! Did the cost with friends of friends and when i arrived in Sydney i felt like i had arrived "Home" for the first time ever! That same day i got a call to say mam had cancer, but they stressed i was not to go home and that it was treatable, so i decided to stay in Sydney as could hop on to a plane quickly if needed.The botanic gardens is where i started and along the cost, seeing wales is where i only began to see "the beauty of the world" and peace..and i learned to meditated and met so Meany people from all over the world!! but i still missed home, so be for mam was to have her operation i flew home to surprise her..same time home i met a lovely guy but flew back "Home" to Sydney, he wrote to me and kept in touch and was so happy to have someone think so highly and understand me..i came home and mam got the all clear but mentally she has gone very distant and dad is suffering from abuse my mam gives him...im still working at my business but i have no motivation..i feel ashamed and a waste as so Meany girls would and could do so much more with their talent..with padraic want to fall for him but sooo afraid, i feel different around my own friends and more disconnected than ever..I'm renting a house and seem to hide away in my room than talk to peple..i feel like im loosing it...and old eating habits taking over again...sometimes wish i did not come home..sooo confused and just wish i could get through to my angles to help me..i know their are people out there with terrible things going on and i feel SO bad and guilty for not being more positive... I'm so sensitive to peoples emotions and sense atmospheres really quickly i let it effect me...i really feel lost and ashamed that i cant break this cycle....i pray all the time...and not able to hear any answers..i dream all the time of my ex and although i don't want him back or wish him and his relationship any badness i still cant let go....
i really needed to write all this down and just hoping that some one can recommend any good books or meditation to take me out of my own bubble and help others, as i know it is in giving that we receive, and i also would love to have more meaning to my life and why we are here!!! My friends i made in oz understand me far better that my friends here, and are far more open about spirituality too...Well thank you for your time and any suggestions would be great..i want to do good things with my life and get out of this selfish rut!!!!!
In love, piece and hope,Fiona
