within or without?

[donq]

Could I tell someone that I hate them?
Will that be only from my anger?
Okay, even anger always has a good reason, can I trust it?
Will it make the situation better?
Or worse?
Will they respect me (or leave me alone)?
Or worse?
Will they stop abusing me?
Or worse?

It seems it always requires huge energy to hold my anger within.
Will I feel better if I release my anger in one way of another (doing something or not doing something I should do)?

Then again, with hindsight, why do I always found that it's meaningless to do or not do as anger convinced (or urge) me to do? I mean, it's really nothing to be angry at all.  

[sparklekaz]

Hi Monty,

First of all let me say no one should be abused by another person. And if we allow that abuse to continue, we are saying to that person, 'its ok to abuse me'. Now, that is often easier said than done isn't it. Particularly if those who are doing the abusing are close to us. A partner or a parent. We can walk away from an abusive employer or even an abusive friend. But a spouse or family, its not straightforward. Not sure if you are asking this as a hypothetical question or not. But answering it as if it were a real problem for you.

I think when we allow abusive treatment to continue unchecked, we are enabling that person or person to abuse. People who are connected to us by marriage or blood often feel that personal boundaries do not count. Or that they have the other person within their control. They abuse the affection with which they are held or the bonds of responsibility that bind family to them. There is no excuse for hurting another person, be it physically or psychologically. No illness or circumstance that can justify it. Anger comes from resentment. Walk away before that anger boils over into you doing something you will regret. Walk away or emotionally distance yourself. I hope this helps.

Love and light
Kaz

[donq]

Hi Karen,

Thanks for your reply. It's so true, as you said, that "And if we allow that abuse to continue, we are saying to that person, 'its ok to abuse me'."
Again, as you said, "we allow abusive treatment to continue unchecked, we are enabling that person or person to abuse."

My question is both a hypothetical question and a real one. As a writer, I often expressed my feelings into words. And as a spiritual learner, I also tried to understand the situation. What is the way out?
Yes, as you said, walking away seems to be the only solution.

There was a time when I was afraid to be judged. I tried so hard to look good all the times in the eyes of the others. I used to fool myself that I was cool. I meant I could keep being cool under any heavy situation.

But, alas!, my mum really has robbed all of my coolness. She is really great on this. No one could stand her for a few days.  

[cyberangel]

Dear Monty

I really felt your pain frustration and heartbreak reading this post...I think as friends sometimes we can be the most open and honest than even with our nearest and dearest.

I feel and express the most by using words or music and when I fail with one I use the other...and sometimes the most powerful is the combination of both. So my friend...although I am borrowing someone elses words and music...please know the sentiments come from my heart to yours in hope that it helps wipes your tears and you start to....SMILE 😊



L❤ve & L🌞ght
cyberangel

[donq]

I apologize to any reader in advance as the following message will be a message from a friend to a friend (Cyberangel). It's a bit personal. As I've been a professional writer for more than 30 years, I usually detach myself before I write something. That is some kind of the rule in writing. But not this time.)

Hi Lorraine,
It means a lot. Thanks from my heart.
The song is good. So does the pictures in it. The countryside's views looked peaceful. They reminded me of the forest I used to live for years. :-)
You know, I used to be a naive young man. I never believed that anyone could be bad. At least, not that bad. And I was so wrong. I divorced (twice) and lost everything (my house, car, condo, all of my money etc.).
Well, when I got older, I've tried to regain my older believe. Karen is a counterbalance for me. I always admire her. She always believe in the good of any person while I've lost that believe long time ago.
Anyway, back to this post. You really have spiritual intuition, Lorraine. You always have this ability. You could see my frustration deep down.     
The root of my frustration is disappointment. When I was a young man, I tried so hard to know the truth. Let me give you an example, I spent more than a half million dollar buying books (that I could not find in any libraries) for my personal research. (Note: I wasn't that rich and nd English was not my first language. I started with looking up almost all words in dictionaries). Why did I do that? Because I believed it was worth my effort. Yes and no. While my (spiritual) understanding grew more, I became more and more alienate from everyone around me. No, the exact words should be everyone seemed to antagonize me? lol
So I've tried to keep my mount shut as much as I could. Not for myself but for them. Still, sometimes my inner frustration seemed to out of control. Why the hex they did what they did? Why were they that bad? Really? hahaha
About my mum, yes, sometimes I really wanted to tell her, "I hate you!". But what is the point? If she's really that bad, what makes the difference? My words still could not affect her anyway, right? And if, (so it's very unlikely), she's is not really that bad, my words might hurt her, more or less.
My point is that I've lost my...how to call it...my believe? I mean, there was a time I believed that my frustration had some meanings. At least for me to learn from it. But when I got older, I've found that it really had no meaning. (Karen might disagree on this). I mean, it had no meaning for them. They might even thought I liked that abusing. lol
Okay, my friend. Thanks for listening. I'm okay. Please don't worry.

[cyberangel]

Dear Monty my friend

Thank you for your honest open reply. I want to write you a proper reply later but I wanted to post this now so as to bot leave you waiting. I want to read this again and reply with time...if that makes sense. Sometimes we rush with our words in way of responding and in doing that sometimes we miss the actual message. So with due respect I want to read your reply again and listen very carefully to what you have said (and not said) so I maybe able to offer more than just a listening ear. I don't know where I read this quote or who actually wrote it...but it come to me as I read your original post and even stronger in your reply...

"I'M A RAGING SEA TRAPPED IN A SINGLE TEAR"

That is a very good quote for your post my friend. What you have written is just a teardrop...but I think I am not alone in understanding the "raging sea" behind you. So my friend...please be patient I will return with a proper reply to you...I just want to give us both some time to listen with not only our eyes and ears...but our hearts and souls.

Love and Light (and smiles 😊😊😊)

[donq]

Hi Lorraine,

I love your quote, "I'M A RAGING SEA TRAPPED IN A SINGLE TEAR".
Thanks a lot. It was really cool! Somehow it really makes me feel good. Does that make sense?
Hmm...maybe because I was only thinking on its opposite?
"I'm a single tear trapping in a raging sea". hahaha

This quote reminded me of some poem I wrote long, long time ago. (When I left my forest and came back to live in the city again). I'd like to share it with you but the problem is I could not remember it all. lol. Yes, the problem of old man's memory. Anyway, here's some part of it:

The legend of the sea in the mountain has dried out
On the road of searching is full of pain
The sea gull hid its tears in the alienate sky
The free heart dwells wearily...
in the forever land.

I recalled that I wrote the above poem after I my hears one of my older spiritual friend who went to USA sang the following native American song, FLY LIKE AN EAGLE, more than 30 years ago:



We fly like eagles.
flying so high
circling the universe
on the wing of pure lights

(Though its lyrics is the same but the hum were different for my friend's version).

P.S. Please take your time, Lorraine. Write whenever you'd like to. I do understand and agree on what you said. Thanks again, my friend.

[sparklekaz]

Hi Monty,

I do do understand how hard you are finding this situation with your Mum. Growing up, I used to really envy the friends I had, who had really good relationships with their mothers. I often used to think, was it me. Was I the problem, that no matter how hard I tried there were many times when I really disliked my own Mum. She was almost like two people. The nice Mum and the horrible Mum. Controlling, spiteful and very domineering. Nothing I did was right or good enough and she seemed to enjoy playing mind games that would leave me angry frustrated and in tears. She was not just verbally abusive, she could be very physical. My friends would think she was great. This young, with it Mum, who wanted to be one of the girls. They thought how easy going she was. Yet behind close doors she was a tyrant, and would use anything you may have told her in a moment of confidence and trust against you. If it revealed a weakness.

Eventually I left home. I could not take the bullying and unreasonable behaviour anymore. As the years went by we came to an understanding. Mainly, because I did not live with her anymore and so when she was horrible, I could just leave. My sisters moved away to live in different parts of the country. Somehow when we were younger, she always seemed to get on better with them than me. She said I looked too much like my Dad, who she hated and was bitter about because he cheated so much and was not always nice to her. She blamed me for her unhappy marriage, she blamed me for looking like him. So yes, I protected my sisters growing up, and took most of the abuse. So when the time came towards the end of her life, when she needed a lot of care, I found it difficult to spend so much time with her. I was the one who didn't move away. So I was the one, she least wanted, but who she was stuck with. I could recount many incidences when she reduced me to tears over some meanness or another, but what would be the point, she is gone now and it doesn't change anything.

As you have said, I do try to see the goodness in people, but I can tell you there were many times when I despaired with her. As I struggled very hard to see why she behaved as she did. I felt so guilty. Here was I, a supposed spiritual person, feeling all this resentment towards my Mum, who was really unwell and vulnerable. Who needed me. I was eaten up inside at times with all the conflicting emotions that would run through me. I loved her, she was my Mum, your supposed to love your mum. right; and I did. But at times, she made it so very hard to love her. Does that make sense? Do not get me wrong, it was not all bad, we did have some good moments together. And she could be very loving and wise. Wish we'd had more of those moments.

Towards the end of her life she was diagnosed as being Bi Polar. And looking back, maybe that was what was wrong with her all the time. At least I'd like to think so. Because why else did she behave as she did! They say that it is through our personal relationships we are most challenged, and my goodness, I believe that to be true. I feel I fell short so many times. But, the mature me, looking back now, knows I really tried my best. And I never gave upon her. But you have to have those boundaries. And have somewhere you can retreat too. Your own place. Friends to support you and to vent to, when you need it. Sometimes we have to accept that our parents are human beings flawed and imperfect. Just as we are. That it is ok to feel angry and frustrated, because we are only human too. Since my Mum has gone I have come to understand her more. Strange though that sounds. I just wish this insight have come while she was still around. But life rarely works out how we expect it to does it. And though it might seem like this situation has been going on forever Monty, it wont. One day you will look back at it and see things from a different perspective. And remember you are entitled to some help. Your other siblings must do their bit. If you were not around they would have too. Don't be a pushover where they are concerned and make a stand. You don't have to do it all yourself. Remember we are here for you whenever you need some emotional support. Albeit it is from a distance.

Love and light
Kaz

[cyberangel]

Dear Monty,

I had written a lengthy reply but decided not to post as Karen had covered everything in her compassionate reply ...and did it fervently and with great sympathy having shared similar anguish and agony. I would only be reiterating what she had so openheartedly written. The only thing I would advise is...to seek out if there is some ‘help’ other than family if asking family members is not an option for you.

I don’t know what kind of health system you have there in Thailand, but here we have what’s called respite care, where we either place our loved one in a care environment (like a nursing home or temporary medical care if spaces are available and the candidate is suitable). We either pay for this ourselves if we can afford it or apply for a grant aid from the government. It is usually for a week to 10 days once a year.

My dear friend, if ever someone needs a break it is you. I know you say you are ok and not to worry, but I am worried. I am worried for both you and your mum. You have one of the biggest hearts but even you can only take so much. I am concerned that if you don’t get a break from your mum you will end up breaking down. I can bet you are already experiencing more and more aches and pains (body telling you need a break urgently)

There must be some form of help or assistance to allow you to have some space... some time to escape...everyone needs that. Karen knows because she sadly has been where you are and thankfully has made it to the other side, but not without leaving permanent emotional wounds, in time they too shall heal but we are all left with scars as reminders.

You mentioned you are disappointed but I feel you are filled with more regret than disappointments. We all have regrets in life...wishing we had done something differently or chosen another path. I believe that no matter what we did or do in life...we will always look back with regrets (doubts). It is how we learn and develop...to test ourselves...sometimes we need to repeat a test a few times to fully understand...and sometimes the lesson is not what we think it is at all and is probably why we repeat the same lessons over and over because we fail to notice the little things.

You have a great ability to see the ‘good’ in people...and that is a wonderful quality...but it can also be seen as a great weakness by those who are not as ‘good’ as you may have ‘hoped’ for. I think you are a little naive to tiniest bit of affection even when people show you sides that you do not like...you refuse to give up on them. My friend, if you could see yourself as the beautiful soul you are...you would need no one else to validate you. Your wives or your mother would have no power over you then but you need to be able to see yourself for who you truly are and above all LOVE YOURSELF.

I bet if I were to speak to your mum or your wives (leaving you completely out of it) that they too would have regrets in their lives. Each of us has.

“Don’t ever think you’re alone here,
We’ve just been trapped in different hells,
And people aren’t against you dear,
They’re just all for themselves”

I would like to include 2 more poems for you Monty all of the poems I have shared are by the same wonderful poet Erin Hanson, maybe you and Karen will look up some of her work, she writes very expressively and meaningfully. Anyway here are 2 poems that remind me of you.

I once had a mind of quicksand
That dragged ideas into its depths
Inhaling specks of sunlight
Every time I drew a breath
But the world thought me a hazard
When every word I spoke I meant
So around me that put caution tape
And filled me with cement

I once had a mind of tree roots
Using the lack of light to thrive
Discovering it’s in darkness
They we learn to feel alive
But the world thought me too tangled
That my mind reached far too wide
So they ripped me from the earth
Where constant sunlight left me dried

I once had a mind of storm clouds
With every lesson I grew tall
Until I’d finally seen enough
To let my observations fall
But the world trapped them in buckets
Before they could taste them on their tongue
For surely minds are shallow
When they belong to someone young

And finally this last poem, I hope it gives you strength and above all hope. I know English is not your first language so I do hope these sentiments don’t get lost in translation as they are perfectly written and fitting just as they are.

Sometimes you feel it’s over
While you’re sitting there in tears
They’ve made you even hate yourself
Too scared to face your fears

You’ve given up on trying
So close to giving in
You’re stronger than you think you are
You don’t have to let them win

Don’t let them try to bring you down
You’re worth a whole heap more
Forget the days you used to spend
Broken and crying on the floor

Hold your head up higher
Give yourself another go
Smile because you made it through
You’re perfect let them know

Love and Light

[donq]

Hi Karen,

What a wonderful post of yours! It was so perfect, I have to say.
I'll reply it tomorrow as I haven't slept for over 36 hours now. I've just been back home after driving for my mum to her hospital (for her monthly cancer checking) all day.
Urh...before I go to sleep, let me tell you something about my mum today.

While I was waiting in the hospital queue (for my mum's seeing her doctor), my mum was handling with a blood pressure measurement (the kind that could do it by yourself and has a result printing out.) I saw my mum did it twice or thrice. And she asked me before seeing her doctor which one looked better. I told her the truth. But, a nurse in front of her doctor didn't believe the print out and did it by herself again. hahaha

Dear Lorraine,

How come I still feel okay (even feel good)
when you so disagree with me?

(Because I do know you meant me so well. Thanks, my friend)

Well reply again later, Lorraine. I really appreciate your posts.  

[donq]

Hi Karen,

I really love your post. You did it, as Lorraine put it so well, with your "compassionate reply...and did it fervently and with great sympathy having shared similar anguish and agony."
Why did I say it was wonderful and perfect? Because of the following reasons:

-Whoever dares to do something, they have to open themselves completely and honestly. And it would drain their energy a lot after doing that. After we open ourselves like that, it seems there's a huge gap that we have to close it again.

-Someone who doing the above, might do it just to express their suppress emotions which was not your case. You did it just to help your friend, me.

-Here I might think differently from Lorraine. I didn't think you did it "fervently". Compassionately, yes. Honestly, yes. Completely, yes. But not fervently. Your tones of telling it was calm enough. And this was why I, as a professional writer, said it was perfect. Any reader would get only benefit of your writing without any being emotional.

I have to say that (and hope you won't get me wrong) you are the most honest woman I've ever known. I do appreciate your honest friendship. Thanks from my heart.


Hi Lorraine,

I love to read your lengthy reply, if you don't mind.
I hope you don't misunderstand me about my last post. When I said you disagreed with me I meant this:

You said, "My dear friend, if ever someone needs a break it is you. I know you say you are okay and not to worry, but I am worried. I am worried for both you and your mum. You have one of the biggest hearts but even you can only take so much. I am concerned that if you don’t get a break from your mum you will end up breaking down. I can bet you are already experiencing more and more aches and pains (body telling you need a break urgently)"

And this, "You mentioned you are disappointed but I feel you are filled with more regret than disappointments. We all have regrets in life...wishing we had done something differently or chosen another path. I believe that no matter what we did or do in life...we will always look back with regrets (doubts). It is how we learn and develop...to test ourselves...sometimes we need to repeat a test a few times to fully understand...and sometimes the lesson is not what we think it is at all and is probably why we repeat the same lessons over and over because we fail to notice the little things."

First of all, let me say if I were you, I would do like you did, to help my friend. I knew it might not please him/her but I would do it, just to help him/her because that was what a real friend is. A fake friend would never do something like that. For example, if I were a fake friend, I might say, "Oh! Thanks, Lorraine. I do agree with me. That was the worth advice. I'll do as you've advised." And I never do that.
Again, as we are not just real friends, but also spiritual friends, sometimes we don't need that fake worldly politeness, right? :-)

My point is that my situation is complicated. I mean it, not just my excuse. You have to believe me in this. Let me explain.
To clarify my situaiton, let me put it in this way:

You love your husband, no doubt. Not to mention, he's the father of your kids. But you love his mother? Maybe, right? When you have to live with her, you might have to love her, just because you love your husband. See my point? And if she was a wicked woman, to put her in a respite care would never be an option, right? Because of your husband.
Okay, back to my situation. I have to explain it a lot longer, please bear with me.

After my second divorce, around 6-7 years ago, I lost my condo and had to rent a room. My elder brother came to me one day and asked me to come to live at his office. It had three stores and I bedroom was on the third floor. I thought okay, at least my brother would be my landlord which meant I might not need to pay my rent some months. hahaha
Anyway, I learned later that he was living with his new wife (their house was so close to his office). What a surprise! No one (except his first wife) knew about this. I mean, my mother who was still living with his first wife, didn't know about this. His kids which both graduated and working, didn't knew about this. To make to long short, my brother asked me to live at his office, just because he wanted me to take care of our mom (he was planning to bring her here). And he did.
I didn't mind to take care of my mom. I could (and used to) take care of some older people on my spiritual journey.I didn't care if my brother and my mom would appreciate my service. I just only mind if they mistook me as their servants (because I never got paid because of that). lol And yes they always did.
After taking care of my mom (who got cancer and being better ad better) for 5 years, one day my brother said his wife didn't happy that I was living there (she was thinking about more electricity bill etc.)  I was okay as I was trying to walk away anyway, so I moved out and found a rent room. After living with a peaceful live for one year, my brother came to me again and asking me to come back because my mom's condition getting worse. I had to come back with two reasons: if I didn't do that, who would? It was obvious that my (new) sister-in-law didn't want to take care of my mom nuts and pee (sorry of bad words, but it's true). I didn't blame her for this. It was understandable, But at least, this time, I came back because my brother bought his new home-office. I've lived only with my mom in his old house.  
I really don't mind to take care of her. I really don't mind if she (my brother and his new wife) would appreciate what I'm going. I really don't mind if my mom would love me or not (I'm a middle son and got used of it for a very long time). What I do mind is sometimes I need time (and space) to do my job. It turned out that after living with my mom for 7 years, I always missed my deadlines many time (I never done something like that all my life). My mom never understand my freelance job. She always thinks that I have so much free time so she demands me everything she wants. Worse that that, my bother bought a car for me to use in this service. I never mind if it's some necessary things like taking her to her hospital, buying foods etc. But she always wants those unnecessary, for example, I had to drive to buy some desserts six times, two times my mom herself wanted to eat, two times, to give it to my bother's son who was visiting her, and another two times for my brother and his wife. You see? hahaha
Lucky that I love to drive. And it's so good that I stay away for her for a while. And I download so many good songs to listen in the car. That's very relaxing time for me.

Lorraine, I think real problem is I can bear with any situation. I used to die once (on ICU for 2 months), used to work with my ex wife after we divorced because she cheated on me (twice). So, my mom's problem is so little comparing to those. But what frustrate me is the question "should I do that?" Let me quote Nelson Mandela here:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

I'm sure that I could bear with any worst situation. I'm just not sure if I should. So, really, my friend, please don't worry about me. 

Sorry for any typos and errors.


P.S. Erin Hanson's poems was so interesting. I do love this one:

I once had a mind of tree roots
Using the lack of light to thrive
Discovering it’s in darkness
They we learn to feel alive
But the world thought me too tangled
That my mind reached far too wide
So they ripped me from the earth
Where constant sunlight left me dried      

Thanks, Lorriane. 

[cyberangel]

Dear Monty

Thank you for your honest reply.

First of all I would like to apologise for using a word out of context...I thought “Fervent” was another meaning for “passionate” and it is...but I didn’t want to write passionate as Karen was more compassionate than passionate but wrote with knowledge and understanding...anyway I am not going to take up much time explaining myself over a word...you either got what I was saying or you didn’t and if you didn’t then I can only sincerely apologise, but if you maybe have time to re-read over what I wrote you maybe will see that I was showing Karen caring and understanding.

Please know Monty that I don’t always sit down in one sitting typing away at a computer a reply, but often I read and re-read a post or a reply several times before I respond, and I often have to grab snippets of time that afford me that throughout my day, so my replies may seem staggered or mixed up in places that is because I write them down as I think of something or a point of view to share.

I have many note pads with scribbles all over the house...and many a time I have gone to town with a poem or letter instead of my shopping list lol. Anyway Monty, you asked for my original reply so please forgive me my friend if I don’t spend the additional time typing it all out but instead I have fished it from the bin hence the creases and have taken a photo of it. Please excuse my handwriting also as it was only intended for my viewing not the general public, but seeing you have asked to read it, I will show it.

The reason I threw it away was Karen had so “compassionately and caringly” wrote of her own personal experience with her mother and I did not want mine to come across as a competition with other carers...if that makes sense. I know ourselves (or I hope we) would not see it that way, but for other readers of this thread in years to come may see it that way. I felt Karen had covered everything I had said in my post but she had said it so much better than I had expressed myself that I felt I didn’t need to include my original reply...where now I am regretting that decision as it seems your perception and my intention do not match.

Speaking of perceptions...I have perceived your situation to be completely different to how it actually is and for this I am sorry. I was wrong to guess at something that was not visible. You seem or put across that you are coping very well but just find it hard caring for someone who has no regard for you...this must be so difficult and I do truly feel for you. I do not want to hurt or offend you or Karen (or anyone for that matter) and sometimes it’s so difficult to articulate what one really wants to say, and more often than not, I write and rewrite something so many ways, to try and find the best fitting words.

You see my friend I am not a writer, but a person with great intuition and deep feelings and a gut instinct that never leads me astray...except for when I don’t listen to it lol. As you said it does take a lot of energy to sit down and write from the heart and you do leave yourself open for some time afterwards so sometimes ‘words’ although well meaning and well said can still pack a punch!

Anyway Monty I do hope I have made myself clear with this reply and once again I sincerely and whole heartedly apologise for any offense I may had caused by my words or poor choice of words in my last reply...I can assure you no insult was intended whatsoever.

I still hope you will be ok my friend and I will still worry.

Love and Light

ibb.co/dK2G2v ibb.co/dWTZpa

[donq]

Dear Lorraine,

A short reply here, my friend. I might write again tomorrow.

I also have to apologize you if I said something that made you think I thought you wanted to offend me or Karen (or anyone for that matter)- a bit confusing here, right? hahaha
I believe I know you, Lorraine. And that was why I honestly told you what my situation really was and what I was really thinking about your thinking. I mean, any time I opened myself like that I always got a bad feedback in return. So, I have to open only to only a few friends. You and Karen are those few friends I do trust to share my real spiritual thinking.
I forgot to tell you that your gut instinct which I believe it's a spiritual intuition is always right. As you said, "I can bet you are already experiencing more and more aches and pains" Yes, that's very true. But as I explained it in my last post, my pain didn't come because I could not bear with the situations (about my mom or anyone else) but coming from my doubts.

Thanks for the photo. It's a bit hard to read because it's a photo. You handwriting is better than mine anyway.

I do appreciate your friendship, Lorraine. I was afraid that I might make you misunderstand me because of my last post. But you didn't. Yeah!        

P.S. I have to tell you honestly that I felt so happy all these last 2-3 days. You woke something in me which has been sleeping for a very long time. For example, you reminded me of that poem of mind which I wrote for more than 30 years and have forgot about it long time ago. 

[mojomojo]

I have to start by saying it is quite inspiring, when friends offer support to one another, in such a manner, to the extent I feel, I may be intruding.
It is even stranger how so many lives, have very similar patterns, I wish to share briefly, some similar accounts of mine, not to compete with anyone, but there is often comfort in knowing others have been through similar experiences.
Shortly after I met my wife, she had a relapse from a previous condition, (cancer), she became very ill and almost bed bound.
I worked 12 to 13 hours a day, and looked after her when I got home, doing the housework, preparing meals etc, we took in lodgers to help make ends meat, I dealt with all that, she suffered greatly with pain, some nights I might get only a few hours sleep, this went on for a year or more.
It is at this point, I should state, she bought the house with help from her parents, I had no stake in the property, and when I suggested we buy the property together, there was a flat refusal from her parents, who were quite wealthy.
I never received any help from her parents or other siblings, none, in the course of time, completely exhausted, I fell ill, I had picked up a virus which hit every major organ in the body.
No longer capable of looking after, at the time girlfriend, I told her she would have to return home.
The response from her parents was, get him out of the house, I was no longer working, very ill and been threatened with evication.
It seemed the whole thing was a set up, her parents looked down on working class people, and put as much pressure on me as possible, to get me to walk away.
The world is full of people who see compassion and kindness as a weakness, that lesson taught me, never to become a doormat again, if other people are who should be helping, make sure they do.
If helping another causes your downfall, it is too much.

Sorry if this seems irrelevant, but I have read all the posts at one time, and 'am just writing what is in my head as a result, in every disfunctional family there is always a scapegoat, the one who takes the blunt of all the abuse, not saying anyone's family is disfunctional.

I will finish with this, I did come from a disfunctional family, the more I travel through life, the more it seems this is the norm, I never got on with either of my parents.
Last year my mother died, the previous five weeks to her death, I stayed at home, to help out, along with all the other siblings, I believe it helps with the grieving process.
When a parent passes, most people, I guess, think of the good times with that person, I did'nt have any of those, so instead for some reason I thought of the comedy shows on t.v. I watched as I grew up, the likes of "taxi" or "cheers" and when it came to the final, last eposide, I was engulfed with an over bearing sense of loss, bereavement is a strange thing.

Regardless of our relationship with our parents, their passing will always have significant effect.
Loss of faith is to be expected, when it is the actual lever, others use to manipulate.

[donq]

Hi Robert,

A short message here. I'm in the middle of something.

Long time, no see. You are more than welcome. Always.
 
I was going to write something but was slower than you. It was about that you said,

"I have to start by saying it is quite inspiring, when friends offer support to one another..."

There's an idiom in my language about this which I don't know how to translate it into exact English. To confide? But it's more that telling our secrets to someone (our trusted friends et al.). It's some kind of telling our troubles and painful life tales. And somehow, after exchange those painful things together, we usually feel relief and found that we are not alone. Some friends even got more painful than us.

[cyberangel]

Hi Robert lovely to see you again and hope both you and your wife are doing well. I hope you forgive me for the short reply but I want to reply to speak to Monty. Once again lovely to see you again and hope to catch up soon. Love and Light

DearMonty

There is no need to apologise or to write another reply. It is I that is sorry that I have caused you confusion? (Maybe) but I wanted to express how 'I felt' after your previous reply and is why I wrote what I did.

'I felt' a little ridiculed for not being a good writer and as you pointed out 'you are' a professional writer 'I felt' like I was being told off or belittled for using or misusing a word...that hurt me because 'I felt' like I was being seen as saying something other than what I was trying to say.

Maybe I should have thought about it a bit more but my focus was not on Karen so therefore maybe I came across as curt or not genuine?...this was not the case.

I felt I wanted to reach out to a friend (you) who I genuinely 'thought' was suffering and in need of strength...love and above all support and that is why I focused on you my friend and not on dear Karen who I have spoke to before and in depth on different occasions about her very sad and trumatic experience.

I was afraid of being seen as not genuine or honest...again please read carefully my words here and let me finish before you reach a conclusion about what I am saying...I am explaining how 'I felt' and I am coming to a point if you can keep reading without judging me too harshly.

Ok...As I continued to read your reply your words felt sharp and pointy 'to me' but then became softer as I read the 2nd part...where when you used a great example of my mother in law...i felt myself nodding along in agreement, as you triggered me to think very carefully and to picture myself in that situation.

I have a very close bond with my mother in law and am indeed very fond of her as fond as a non blood relative can be and I have many a time suggested to my husband if ever a time came that she would be widowed she could come live with us and I genuinely meant that...but you made me think...was I offering this out of love or duty?

And being honest I would have to say both but you did make me think further ahead of actually her living with us and although I know we would make it work...it made me think it would not be easy...anyway I was able to place myself in that place and then remove all love and respect and I felt truly awful (for you) and finally got a real sense of what you were coping with.

I had projected all my own experiences and frustrations onto you and imagined what you "MUST" be going through due to my experiences instead of properly listening to you...and I must apologise to you as that was unfair and not correct...now my gut does tell me things and that I DO believe because as I said it does not lie to me and I also can not feel what I do and because of this I am still worried and care genuinely as a friend...as you said you (as a friend) would do the same or similar.

Anyway forgive me I detoured there a bit...back to the post and the point I am tryng to make and own. After you 'making a point' of me using the wrong word I immediately felt defensive and so when you asked to see my first reply (if I didnt mind) that also hurt because I felt I had to then prove to you what i had previously written which actually angered me and I felt that the reply or post I had written was not good enough and was being disgarded in way of a (maybe) preferred or more pleasing reply.

I think as the reader you should respect what someone decides or chooses to share. I still feel you were aware of causing me some offense as you hinted at hoping to not cause me offense so that made me feel you knew the power behind your words and also the way they could be interpreted.

Now to my point...(thank you for baring with me)...throughout this reply I have put 'I felt' explaining to you honestly and genuinely how I felt and why I replied...but then my friend I took my own advice and re read both your and my replies and tried to see the lesson and then it hit me...I first thought the lesson was about being careful with words and making sure to use them properly...but then it dawned on me...my spirit came forward and highlighted the real lesson...the real lesson was to not listen too much to my ego...all the 'I felt' 'My' words etc were all coming from a bruised ego and not truly from my spirit...so I will try and keep my ego in check (and try to choose the correct words kidding lol ;-))

Love and Light

[donq]

Dear Lorraine,

A short message here. I'm really in the middle of something.

You post made me smile because of your genuine and warm friendship. Thanks for telling me about how you 'felt'. It's was like you tell me, "Hey, dude, you step on my foot. I don't you didn't mean it but it's till hurtful".
It was really really an accident, my friend. But if you don't let me know, I might not know it. That's the nature of an accident. isn't it?
There are some points that I'd like to clear them with me in this short reply.

1. About the word, "fervent". How did I understand this word more than you? No way. As I already said somewhere on my previous post, English is not my first language. Worse than that, I've learned it by heart, by myself, and started with looking up almost all words in dictionaries.

2. About what I said I'm a (professional) writer.
Let me say that three way communication always bring misunderstanding. It's about its context. In one context, it's true that "time and tide wait for no man. In another context, it's also true (even it's an opposite) that "slow but sure".
I said I was a I'm a professional writer in the context of supporting my words to Karen. I said her post was wonderful and perfect. I didn't say that just to please her but said it from the writing's point of view. And here I made a very big mistake as I wasn't careful if it might affect you. I'm very sorry about that. Yes, it's the worldly life, someone might use that kind of saying (writing) which is called, "irony" or "sarcasm". But, hey, I will never use that to you, or Karen. Never. In fact, I never used it to anyone in my life. I'm rather sure. Why? Two reasons: I'm not that fast thinker. lol And because of my long time mindfulness practice. I have to watch my words, my thought before I say something.

3. About I asked to see your first reply. Lorraine, you are my friend. Even if you were a not good cook, but if you cook anything for me, I love it eat it. See my point? I asked only because you already wrote it, then, I loved it eat...urh...read it. that's all.
Thanks again, Lorraine for your post. It was a great spiritual expression, I must say. And I meant it. When it comes to spirituality, it has nothing to do with how good you write. But how good you put your heart (and soul) writing it.

I do appreciate your friendship and caring. As I said before, a friendship really made my life bearable. :-)

Soory for any erroes and typos. I wrote it without stopping.  

[cyberangel]

Thank you Monty for your reply...there was no need truly but I appreciate the time especially as you are busy...and I know what that is like to try and find time to reply and is why I have been away for so long because its hard to post and have time to reply...especially when I need time to post properly.

I would really like to move on with this thread now Monty as Im sure the whole world does not want read or is interested in our conversation or miscommunication IF that was the case. I have openly and publicly admitted that my ego was/is at work and I am trying to control that...but I also dont want to deny how I felt either as then I would not be true to myself and would just be sat again biting my tongue only showing my best foot forward.

You have justified yourself perfectly Monty...I can only apologise again. I will be careful where I expose my toes next time 😉

[donq]

hahaha the joke about your toes made me laugh. Thanks
Okay, let's move to another thread.