cyberangel
~ As above so below, as within so without ~
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Post by cyberangel on Jan 24, 2015 11:25:21 GMT
Dear Monty
I am sorry to hear of your mother's suffering and my heart goes out to you both. You are such a wonderful son to care as you do for her...and im sure she is so happy to have you. It is not easy being a carer for another especially if one is incapacitated. This love compassion and kindness just proves even further what a truly lovely soul you have. Bless you dear friend and bless your mother too.
Love and Light
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Post by tribunalofmercy on Jan 24, 2015 11:46:51 GMT
The great thing is, none of it Matters anymore Not because of age…it is both beautiful and necessary, what you are doing. My own parents have lived an Amazing life and are 88 and 89 years old now, still driving, active etc but their Minds are going, so I take Mother shopping each week lest she get lost in the store (she does); I make sure they are safe from problems at their house, but this will be a battle as they are still trying to keep Control, and would rather fall in a hole and stay there than have someone Help them. (we are likely all like that, at times) It will keep me where I am somewhat longer, instead of walking across the world or something….if God lends me breath, I will do so Later, for I have decided I have Many things to do before this life is over That’s the beauty of everything…we can choose how we love without having to conform to the Boundaries of our previous thinking My life has been, to a large degree, like Schrodinger’s Cat because as a bipolar, I Never knew whether I was going to be ‘alive’ (normal or manic) or ‘dead’ (depressed,etc) when I woke up in the mornings. For 49 years I have lived a half-life - lived, yes, but unsuccessfully in my Own mind, not being able to get anywhere I reached for because I was a slave to my changing thoughts, emotions, etc. I have awakened to being able to Choose to live my life; no longer enslaved, I can better take control of my thoughts, my actions, I can See how all these things work, and I spend my days in Joy, being Grateful for Each moment because I know that this control is had by Releasing my old manner of control into a New way. …I don’t care anymore if this is because of astrological alignment, or just a ‘reawakening’ on my part; whether it has been brought about by an ascension, or whether fairies have danced on my lawn one too many nights and left a trail of breadcrumbs for me to follow all the way to Heaven….it doesn’t Matter. I'm Free You are a beautiful person to me, Monty – as are all the others who cross my path, though perhaps your colors translate differently in my mind – and I have released control of a Need for anyone already “Need” is Irrelevant. It is enough to Know people, to have spent my time considering Every moment a ‘poignant’ one, and store them up to share with God when I get there.
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donq
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Post by donq on Jan 24, 2015 13:36:13 GMT
Dear Lorraine,
Thanks for your kind words. And I’m sorry to mention about her. I didn’t mean to burden my friends here with a sad (to hear) story like that. I had no choice but shared it... as all of you already become my dear friends. :-)
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donq
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Post by donq on Jan 24, 2015 13:36:39 GMT
Dear Mary Anne,
Your last post made me understand more clear about a bipolar and what you have been into. In this aspect, we are so alike, as a Schrodinger’s Cat. I have been practicing mindfulness for more than 30 years, I “realized” that I would never knew (for sure) if I am going to be free from my thought ‘alive’ (normal) or ‘dead’ (depressed, etc.) after my thought occupies me, in the next moment. Sometimes I asked myself, what if I didn’t practice mindfulness? Would my life be more normal? I mean like most people out there who don’t know/see their own thoughts.
I know you do understand all this. But for someone else who’s reading this, let me explain a bit here: I was going to do something after some thought had arose in my mind, say, using sarcasm to upset my opponent (exaggerated example here, to make a point). Then, my mindfulness stopped me from doing that. I saw this very thought of mine in time. Then, I had two choices: to do or not to do it (while someone else who doesn’t see his own thought never had this kind of problem, and he always act as he thinks.) Many times I had to deal with this dilemma. I mean how I would know for sure that “not to do” as my first thought was not another thought disguised itself to stop me to do the right thing? (Who’s know? In some context/situation, sarcasm might be the right way, the only way to stop something bad).
So, my friend, we are so alike. :-)
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Post by tribunalofmercy on Jan 26, 2015 16:12:34 GMT
I want to add some thoughts about empathy and perspective (vs psychic ability) here as it relates, in part, both to the intention of the thread and to some rather Strange comments I may make from time to time Relating to empathy (and I say this with hope to clear any confusion or nervousness, lol) - There are those who believe all empaths are naturally caring and compassionate; that is not so. I believe that the Majority of empaths, being sensitive by nature, are compassionate and caring, but the term “empath” basically seems to mean “tuned in” to things that are usually unseen. It is an intuitive thing, different from psychic abilities in several ways, for in interactions, psychics seem to know things that even the other person does not know. As a human empath but Not a psychic, I am often in tune with people’s inner energy, but it translates in more than one way. I have said before, someone can build an entire Shopping Center a few blocks away from me but I may not Notice it until after the grand opening! (I’m not paying Attention, lol) Also, and to my shame, it is Because I am not paying attention to certain things that a friend might buy a new car and wish me to compliment them on the purchase, but I do not Notice the car until much later (oops, again). But if someone says something about themselves when I am paying attention, I remember it Forever. That’s not psychic; that’s not even a big part of Empathy; it’s just the way I am made, and there are others just like this. It’s like the people who are interested in language, or math, or astrology, that naturally Notice more about those particular subjects because not only are they Interested but they are in Tune with those subjects. For example, when (I’ll call her) “Lisa” tells me about her anxiety issues and her spouse’s attempts to get her to go on camping trips when she is Afraid to, I Remember. I may not know Lisa well; I may not see her again for the next 5 years but when I Do, I may ask her if her anxiety has improved any since we last talked. If the conversation leads to it I may even ask if she has tried to get involved in Outings with her spouse now, to help Both of them feel connected. Sometimes it freaks people out to think that I was paying such Close attention to them; often, in my naivety, I forget that there are those who use ‘information’ to Hurt others in some way. This makes me sad…. Now if, as an empath, I hear (or read) you talking about your day, I may pick up that you felt Good about the day, or Depressed about it, etc. But words are narrowly focused and the unseen seems to be a bit less so…I call it “thought-energy”, but there is something that also comes from people that is More than the words they say/type. Perhaps they are thinking (or feeling) about a Very sad incident at home; empaths can be ‘tuned in’ to that, and recognize without the words that there is a Specific thing bugging that person about his/her personal life. It does Not require us to Say anything about it, lol, but the unseen ‘energy’ is There, translating into Actual messages to us, and we Know it. Everyone is potentially empathic in this way, because it would seem that the Unseen is available for All in this way, if we are paying Attention. (Just like I “should” have seen the shopping center or the new car, if only I were paying Attention) Some empaths pick up the unseen by sight, some by communication(whether you are talking, typing, beating on sticks or sending smoke signals). The psychic is usually more clairvoyant (which I am not), and, for example, might know either by seeing Or talking to you, or just by being Connected, that (for example) your grandmother has terminal cancer, something even YOU did not know at that time. This is a connection of a different sort, can you see? A real thing, for the true psychic. To me there are energy-interactions in Everything - and again, I say some of this to help (I hope) you see how I think about it, and keep down the nervousness (haha) - before my guides taught me "right from wrong", at least as they need me to see it, I knew how to behave in the Physical world but not always in the unseen one. Especially since first getting the internet about 7 years ago, I have made friends who live far away...some of them would talk to me of things that were interesting, you know? And different....so I developed this trick of taking a Peek at what they were describing. Some people might call this 'remote viewing'...I could focus and go to where they were, for just a minute. I did not want to invade their minds and would purposely turn Around so that I could see out of their eyes for a minute - just a minute...to see a bridesmaid dress that someone was shopping for. Or the view/sounds from someone's back porch in Australia, since I had not been there. I did not Realize, until my guides taught me differently, that this is Invasive. After all, when walking around a block I do not cut corners here by crossing someone else's lawn because it is considered Improper, and I might get yelled at, lol. So why would I cut a corner and walk through someone else's mind just because I Could? Even when the other person is Aware of it there is much to be considered about my Own energy. Did not Gandhi say, "I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet"? This is not Only about those physical things we hear and see.... I see now, and I am the better for it. I think these things can be Important to talk about for several reasons: (1) Knowledge gives us a measure of control/power that can be Helpful, rather than remaining frightened of what we do not know; (2) I admit I want you to see the Real me, because I have long learned there is nothing to be hidden; and (3) Because these things are Out there, in some form/fashion, and I believe in being "wise as serpents, harmless as doves".
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cyberangel
~ As above so below, as within so without ~
Posts: 818
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Post by cyberangel on Jan 26, 2015 18:16:13 GMT
Hi Mary Anne I really enjoyed what you last wrote and can relate to so much...but you have wrote it far better than I ever could. Sorry again for quick reply but this virus has just zapped me of all energy...but I just wanted to say I really enjoyed your post. Thank you Love and Light
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donq
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Post by donq on Jan 26, 2015 19:33:50 GMT
Hi Mary Anne,
It sounds to me you’ve got psychic ability, too.
You said: After all, when walking around a block I do not cut corners here by crossing someone else's lawn because it is considered Improper, and I might get yelled at, lol.
True. But what if you have to? Even it has nothing to do with psychic ability, living in the world today we have to “read” other’s mind as much as we could, for our survival. Salesman has to read his customer’s mind; employee has to read his/her boss’s mood; that car will turn left or right? (when you are driving) or that pedestrian will cross the street or not etc. I believe we have learned this reading even we don’t know it. And there is energy interacting all the time. The point is we “misread” more than we think. We saw a stranger. We read him and conclude that he cannot be trusted. Frankly speak, this kind of misreading do less harm (comparing to the case we read him rightly and he’s dangerous). But another kind of misreading is we read someone as a good man when he is not. Not only about misreading a criminal as a gentleman but also misreading someone as someone else (see a movie star as a hero we saw him in the movie). I think sometimes spirituality makes this kind of reading more complicated. Even after we read and know that someone is a bad person, we still try to tell ourselves that it’s not right to judge him like that (and try to fool ourselves by justifying him in every way and even blame ourselves about our misreading (which is right reading). Why do we misread? I think that’s a question, isn’t it?
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Post by tribunalofmercy on Jan 26, 2015 20:50:15 GMT
Lorraine, I hope you feel better soon! I will send positive thoughts of chicken soup and vegetable juice to you! Monty Why/how do we misread people, situations, conversations? You yourself have answered this; it’s conditioning. We have such conditioning built into our human form, our genetic way of Thinking, so that the more we see things One way the more we expect it to happen that way again and again. Even if we do not realize it; even when we do not Want it. The equation is set up on the Karmic Wheel over and over again, even in the smallest situations, because ultimately we must learn new ways of thinking about, and doing, Everything. (and some of us over-think things; you don't do that, do you? ) Maybe we project what we want to believe....maybe we Wish for the best in others...it is still a pattern of thinking that becomes much to easy to keep repeating, rather than working to think differently. The first things my guides taught me was about attachments and echoes….I really Do not read much, compared to others who read many things written by many people, and this is a Choice of mine so that I can experience life based on my Own thinking (though truly, my thinking is that of others…how can it be otherwise?). The words “attachments” and “attachment echoes” mean something to me that would not mean the same thing to Another person, but the echoes are important because when we let go of any attachment in our lives there is a Hole where the attachment used to be, one that should be filled with something Else. If we do not fill it with “something else” that we Want to be there, something will certainly come along and make itself at home there….even the old attachment. Another thing I see, is that there are stages in evolution that I have names for…these names are different than the words of others, but I have referred to this when I talked before about the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. (1)There is first an acknowledgement of the problem. (2) Then (in order to work), there is Complete denial. Then, if and when the recovering alcoholic can manage, there is (3) a time when the person can be around alcohol again, perhaps visiting with friends or family who drink while still managing to control his/her Own desires. Finally, when this has been mastered, there is (4) a complete recovery and the former alcoholic can be In the world (of drinking), but no longer Of the world (of drinking)….does that make sense? Um….now that I am Aware of how I think, and feel, and react…now that I can See the equation being reset on the Karmic Wheel of my thinking, again and again....I want to go Hide so I won’t make mistakes. haha - And my guides are telling me No, No – we are teaching you, and you’re going to have to Get Out There and Deal With Things….Differently. The 4 stages that my guides taught me are causing me Lots of issues because they showed me that, in evolution, we were supposed to go through these stages properly but we never do, as a Whole species. For example, because of the way the world grew this time around, many of those in the East figured out (1) (awareness) and (2) denial, while the majority of the the West ignored all that and did what they Wanted. To me, what seems to be happening is that there are those Stages in every evolutionary process, and the current global changes are supposed to be bringing us to the End of (2) (the denial stage), and we’re supposed to be Transcending all of our attachment-issues and moving into “stage 3”, which is Embracement…….and (a) the west never did much denying so we are Behind in the game, and (b) the east has gotten Comfortable with denial and might not be willing to just Embrace things. Does this happen over and over? It seems to, in the way with think about small things too. Ok. I am writing too much again! and I've wandered away from your question. Oops.
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Post by tribunalofmercy on Jan 26, 2015 20:58:38 GMT
Oh, and then there's the Other part - ace can probably explain that with astrology too, and it would make Sense (I believe it). ....If you put 1000 people together in a large room, and they did not know each other, those with similar energy might naturally gravitate toward each other and start talking. But "similar energy", or energy that "attracts", does not mean those people have the same lives, or personalities, etc. Two people who are similar and who might connect, might be a banker and a criminal, but their Energy is what attracts them to each other in conversation, etc. We know this. On the other hand, two people who are vastly different, though both be "good people" in this life, may not want to be Near each other because the energy is not similar and feels Uncomfortable. It is funny to me, and also true, that in a room with 1000 people who do not know each other....if just two of those people have the similar energy that gives them a label of "bipolar disorder", those two people will find each other in less than 5 minutes.
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donq
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Post by donq on Jan 27, 2015 3:27:30 GMT
Hi Mary Anne,
You said:
We have such conditioning built into our human form, our genetic way of Thinking, so that the more we see things One way the more we expect it to happen that way again and again. Even if we do not realize it; even when we do not Want it. The equation is set up on the Karmic Wheel over and over again, even in the smallest situations, because ultimately we must learn new ways of thinking about, and doing, Everything.
You talked like a Buddhist, a very serious one. Though I don't like to mention about religious term, but let me mention one here, The Law of Dependent Origination:
When there is a cause, the effect due to the cause arises, Therefore the effect arises also.
If there is no cause or the cause is extinguished, There is no effect since it is extinguished.
This is, because that is. This is not, because that is not. This ceases to be, because that ceases to be.
When this is, that is. From the arising of this comes the arising of that. When this isn't, that isn't. From the cessation of this comes the cessation of that.
The Law of Dependent Origination has also 12 steps like the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. It starts with ignorance. Because of ignorance, such and such mental intoxication arises...See? it's boring to hear about it. So, I won't give it details here. :-) Let me give an example instead. A. said Hi to B. That very day, B. was so sad because she got the news that her dad got sick, so she didn't say anything in reply to A. A thought B ignored him because of her arrogance and was so upset/sad etc. A. misread B. because his ignorance (not knowing the real situation). And that was why his mind was suffered (mental intoxication) from his own misreading. If only he "saw" his own ignorance, his own misreading, he would not suffer from his misreading. Oops! I know, I know, that sounds a preaching. And I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.
P.S. Something about my mom. She misread something, too. The more I take her blood pressure, (we have that handy apparatus at home) the more her health will be better. She asked me to do it more than 3-4 times a day. And somehow she really feel better after doing that. Placebo effects really works. hahaha.
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sparklekaz
Someone asked me.. What is your religion? I said, "All the paths that lead to the light".
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Post by sparklekaz on Jan 27, 2015 13:55:19 GMT
Dear Monty, If your Mum is anything like her son, she must be quite a character. It can really challenging looking after a parent who for most of their life has enjoyed their independence. And like most of us have been used to enjoying good health, until age starts to slow them down and bring on physical problems. Losing their independence and finding that their body is 'letting them down', that they have no control over it, must be really frightening. Fear can for want of a better word, bring out the worst qualities in people. It is the same for all of us though isn't it. Being irritable and impatient. And also self obsessed. This can sometimes seem as if they do not appreciate all the love, time and attention their loved ones are giving to taking care of them. But I believe they do see it. It's just they are afraid and forget to show it. My mum and I had always had a very difficult relationship. I wont go into why here..suffice to say she was a bossy lady who liked to be in control. She suffered all her life from breathing problems. She had TB as a child and this made her chest weak. In her fifties she developed bronchial asthma and copd (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease) Had to give up work. A job she loved. She called herself a bar stewardess. Basically bar work, which she was brilliant at. The customers loved her, a vivacious outgoing women, whom the only saw her good side. The problem was that in the days before smoking was banned indoors, this was a very smokey environment, which made her condition worse and probably why she had to retire early. Only 52. I am one of 3 daughters and the one who lived nearest to her. So it fell to me to look after her. I always used to joke with my sisters, that it had to be a karmic joke. For out of all of us, I was the one who had the most trouble with her. They both got on reasonably harmoniously with her. But then they both did live over a 100 miles away from her, so that probably helped. I'd like to say being together so much made us suddenly become great friends. It didn't, and the arguments were at times truly epic. But we still had some tender moments. I realize now looking back, this most difficult of times, was an enormous opportunity for 'us both' to work out our energy clashes. And as she became sicker and weaker, this did happen. I could just love her, rather than argue with her. I have a feeling that we had been mother, daughter or some other close relationship over many lifetimes. And were still trying to work out our karmic issues. I am by nature a peace loving person and hate confrontations. Yet she knew just how to push my buttons. She used to say that we were most alike. Which drove me mad because I didn't believe I was like her at all. lol But then don't they say that the things that irritate us most about another is something that we need to work on within ourselves. Yet I looked and I couldn't see it. She was controling and manipulative, and she could fib for England. I was not like that at all. She was hot tempered, would blow like vesuvius and we all crept around in fear of these eruptions. I am peace-loving and diplomatic. She had to have her own way over everything. And believed she was always right. She was totally illogical at times, which drove me mad. I like to think I always try to see things from both points of view and am not fixed in my opinions. Meaning, I will see the reasoning behind another person's thoughts. Before I left home, living under the same roof as my mother had driven me to the point of breaking down. And yet here I was at the end of her life being with her daily and trying to be a good daughter and take care of her. Beause of my spiritual beliefs I told myself that I had to look beyond the surface, that it was the only way I could cope. I tried so hard and did see that this was a women who desperately wanted to be loved. Was crying out for attention and yet by her behaviour only succeeded in pushing people away. Especially those that she loved. I stayed with it, priding myself of dealing with her in spite of the difficulties. But that was all wrong. I was enduring it, rather then just allowing myself to love her and let the things that irritated me about her, just go over my head. Don't get me wrong, she was also a very loving and loyal mum. But the negative always seemed to outweight the positive. The negative always seemed to define her. Or rather for me, I allowed it too. Why was it that if the law of attraction works, we were drawn into this situation. To me we were poles apart in nature. That is why I've come to see it as some kind of karmic interaction. When she went age 65 I was devastated. I was flooded with insight about our relationship, about her and why she was the way she was. I raged at who knows what, that I only discovered these things, or was able to see and understand them, when it was too late, for either of us to benefit from it. One might say that this insight will help me in the future. That was the point. But to me the one person it would have helped the most, given me the emotional insight to give her what she needed when she needed it, would have been the most helpful. Might have spared me some of the terrible guilt I now carry. The test first, the lesson later. Comes to mind. But what good is that. Goodness, how I've rambled on, and all triggered off by this post. And thinking of Monty with his mum. I don't know why it's all come out now. Maybe it's because the aniversary of my mum's passing is coming up. She went 6 Feb 2005. Love and light Kaz
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Post by tribunalofmercy on Jan 27, 2015 14:55:13 GMT
I love you, Karen – there are very few things more common to us than feeling some sort of guilt about things in our past. I know Many people who are strong 351 days of the year….until about 2 weeks before the anniversary of their Mother’s passing. Then they fall apart. Is it truly guilt over what we perceive “never got said or done” that brings us to this point? It is harder than it Seems to ‘live in the moment’, either before, during or after any life-experience. Things do not always end up working out well, do they? My son is now grown, and when certain situations/tests come up I perhaps do not react the same way I would have when he was small….I have said somewhere that my son is also bipolar and, though he is a strong soul, he does not have all of the life-skills of his Mother yet, lol – there was a time, not too many years ago, when it was Very cold where he lived, and I was far away. He and I talked, and in a state of mind that was not helpful, he decided he did not Like where he lived and was going to become homeless…without adequate preparation (clothes, supplies)…right in the middle of the Coldest time of the year. As his mother I was Frantic, crying to God to be where I could Not be, to watch over him, care for him, etc – this took up much of my mind, for a while…after three days of this the voice of God came to me. “Child,” he said, “You keep asking me to Hold Your Hand while you are worrying. That is not what I am About. Let go….you are supposed to let Me do the worrying.” This is perhaps a Christian story – and about my son instead of my Mother- I can see more now than ever before, but still it is the Way, is it not? When we hold on, in Any way, to the things of the world we are clinging to the pillar in Karen’s story of Sufi teaching. We are the ones doing the clinging; the pillar/problem is not holding Us. Perhaps it is best to do the best we can, according to our “beliefs”, and then Let Go? Guilt might have eaten me alive if I remained in the past, thinking of all the ways I “could” have been a better Mother to my son. One day also, my parents will be truly sick, not just “forgetful”, and going downhill….then they will be gone, and we do not always have the perfect relationship. But what can I learn Now, to help me? What will I remember of our time together? And what will I have to Let Go of, things that cannot be changed, in order for my Own life not to be hindered by remaining in the regretful past? Monty, I know you know there is Peace to be found by existing only in the moment, but moments pass so Quickly, don't they? Yet that center, that peace in the moment, is the very thing that gives us Control; that which relieves us of the burden of what-happened-a-minute-ago, or what-will-happen-later...it brings us Strength, so we can give to Others without running out of it ourselves. This time is more than just a lesson; this is a chance to be Amazing. We are Brave
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donq
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Post by donq on Jan 27, 2015 15:10:26 GMT
Dear Karen, Thanks for your trust and sharing. I do understand your situation, Karen. Our situations are so alike. I’m a Wednesday child. It might make me have a bit problem in my childhood. But after a long time on my spiritual path, I don’t think I have that problem any more. My elder brother (senior auditor) and younger brother (engineer) are not so rich but never have problem about money. So, now you can see my situation without further explanation, right? hahaha. When I wrote about taking care of pee and poo (I’m sorry if it’s vulgar. I really don’t know the polite words for these), I was thinking about some scene in movie and fantasized something in it like this: A man was sitting at the bedside of his lover. She was so sick. He was holding her hand and said in the most caring voice, “Honey, I love you!” Yes, it might be a very heartbreaking scene. But… [if anyone was sick, so sick like I used to be, and spent a long time in the ICU, they would know that there’s no dignity when they were sick and were in the hospital. A nurse and a doctor will touch and do anything to your naked body (external and internal). So, there’s no privacy at all!] Ok, let’s come back to my fantasy. Suddenly, the call of nature came to the girl. The man noticed that and pull his band back and shout, “Nurse! Nurse! Come here right now!” Though it was just my fantasy (as you already knew that one of my careers is a professional writer) but I think there’s some truth in it, too, isn’t it? So, maybe, instead of the cliché, “Love me love my dog” it should be “Love me love my poo?” hahaha
Mary Anne, Why I have a feeling that I become a woman who is listening to my two friends (ladies)? :-)
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cyberangel
~ As above so below, as within so without ~
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Post by cyberangel on Jan 27, 2015 15:52:13 GMT
Dear Karen Oh my beautiful friend...you must have been in floods of tears writing as I was in floods reading...and yet even through all the hardships and trials I felt such a deep love...from BOTH sides. Oh my precious friend...it was not that your charaters were alike...it was your energies! Both of you thinking that each was right in their own ways. I tell you this most sincerely (whether you choose to belive it or not) your mum must have loved you a great deal and probably admired you as much as she probably felt frustrated by your kind positive spirit. When I say your energies were alike...what I mean is...that you were both strong willed and determined, and this flows out through your post. Every action has a reaction...and you were both just reacting to each other. Its hard to shake off an energy when we ourselves fuel it. Instead of using and allowing your natural talent of diplomat and peacekeeper to guide your mum's frustrating and painful energies to flow over you....you absorbed them head on and therefore creating the reaction. Now I accept it is easy for me to sit here (or lie here in my sick bed lol) and say these but I am only too aware of how its a completely different story being in the middle of what feels like a warzone with insults and injuries flying at you from all angles, with nowhere to hide or even to shelter...and then your fight or flight responses kick in. How could you flee? That is not in your nature and if you did, you would never have forgiven yourself. So you delt with it the best way you could AT THE TIME. None of us here are saints. ..and many of us have many faults that we are also trying to work through. GUILT is a horrible thing if it takes hold and can manifast itself in many things. It is like an anchor that golds you in place and not allowing you to move...and when you do it takes all your energy because you are dragging the weight of the anchor with you. So how can one free themselves for guilts anchor?...it is as hard as it is easy. You have to DECIDE to simply cut the rope and let it go. You have to let go of all the hurt and pain...the tears and arguments...the resentments and trials...let it all go. Leave it all there with the anchor...and above all realise it serves no purpose except to hold you back and cause YOU pain. At some point you have to ALLOW yourself do do this in order to move on. The past cannot be changed by dragging it into the future with you. Does that mean we must forget...no absolutely not...but it means that you can accept that WAS the past and is no longer...you can start to acknowledge that you were drawn out or even acted upon things that at the time you were unable to CONTROL...and finally YOU can forgive. You can forgive your mum but above all you must forgive yourself. Now I also know and am willing to bet, that there is nothing here that I have said, that you have not said to yourself several times over...but sometimes we NEED to hear it from another source in order to act on it Karen you know and I know and above all your mum knows you did your best which what you were presented with. The question is what was the lesson? Was it how you dealt or saw the situation? Or is it how quick you can learn to forgive yourself? You now have the gift of hindsight and it is a gift...if you choose it to be. Once you have freed yourself of that 'anchor' you will be able to look back on the 'true love' moments between yourself and your mum and in doing so will allow her love to flow back into you. Think she loves you very much and always did...but had her own demons to fight in this life and sometimes those we love become casualties of our own battles. If my arms could only reach you Karen I would hug you so tight and tell you just how much you are loved. So instead I am holding you in my heart. Love Lorraine xxx
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mojomojo
Go deep enough, and there is a bedrock of truth, however hard.
Posts: 692
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Post by mojomojo on Jan 27, 2015 18:04:53 GMT
Sorry, I don't mean to interrupt, these postings are of a personal nature, so if I'am interrupting, please, just ignore this post.
But I would like to pass on something, that maybe of some help to you. Very soon I will be in the same situation, some times, there is nothing you can do, people are the way they are and you can not change that. But you can help yourself to release the pain and guilt. This is very simple and probably sounds stupid, but please give it a go, maybe you have heard of it already. Every week, write a letter to your mum, as if you were a child, if you feel angry, let rip, say what ever is on your mind, The first time, you will probably be in a flood of tears, but as the weeks pass, it will become easier, you are pulling the pain up and out. Then write to your mum as you are now, tell her how you feel, write as many times as you need. Lastly, and most important, write a letter as you are now, adult, to the little girl you were, giving comfort and forgiveness.
Sorry, I had to pass this on, I know exactly were you are coming from, I could feel your pain and it brought back memories of the same for me. Again, sorry if I have interrupted,
GOD bless.
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Post by tribunalofmercy on Jan 27, 2015 18:12:31 GMT
Robert - you are my hero today
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sparklekaz
Someone asked me.. What is your religion? I said, "All the paths that lead to the light".
Posts: 3,658
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Post by sparklekaz on Jan 28, 2015 16:10:27 GMT
Thank you all for your insight and comfort, it really means a lot to me. Time has been kind, in as much as for most of the time the feelings I've expressed have taken a back seat in my mind and some of the sting has been removed. But every so often it rears it's head. I do think coming up to the anniversary of Mum's passing is probably significant. Why I've been dwelling on it again. I have told myself all the things you've said Mary anne, and though intellectually I 'know it' but emotionally, in the heart, I still feel it. I'm sure we've all done it, asked ourselves, why we didn't do more, why were we not more patient, why couldn't I stop focusing on how I was feeling and just tried to understand more. I did really try. I spent hours thinking about our situation when she was alive. I suppose a lot of my feelings were intermingled with a lot of 'stuff' from the early years. Anger, resentment, frustration and pain. I'm sure she felt remorse, but she never spoke about it. I spent so much of my life being angry with her. That I guess even when I was not, it was always there.
Lorraine, your words hit home. When you said "When I say your energies were alike...what I mean is...that you were both strong willed and determined, and this flows out through your post. Every action has a reaction...and you were both just reacting to each other. Its hard to shake off an energy when we ourselves fuel it. Instead of using and allowing your natural talent of diplomat and peacekeeper to guide your mum's frustrating and painful energies to flow over you....you absorbed them head on and therefore creating the reaction." I literally bristled lol And the words rose up to my mouth again, "but I was nothing like her". But I sat with it and examined how I was feeling, and saw that what you said was true.
The things you said about her, that she admired and was irritated by me was true. Because she was prone to being so volitile and arguementative. I would often have to bite my tongue not to rise to it. I'd walk away, which annoyed her intensely. She saw me as being unfeeling and controlled. When really because I suffered from anxiety, I was trying not to respond in kind, knowing if I did it would spiral and make me feel ill. Without going into too much detail, all I can say is that when I lived at home till I was 22. Any serious disagreement with her, or me standing up for myself would often resort in her becoming physically violent. She could not control her temper. I could not retaliate in kind, because she was my mum. So I allowed her to hurt me. This was my life from childhood until I left home. Even though I know as an adult who'd left home, I could walk away from her. The fear of her was ingrained. She saw the walking away, not 'reacting' to her, as me not caring. She would go on and on until she got some kind of reaction. In her own backwards way she saw the reaction as caring. Which I will never understand. But yes, instead of allowing it to flow over me, I probably did absorb it.
I could write a book about the cruel things over the years she'd done. Alongside acts of love. I never understood how she could be like this. As if two people were living inside her. And while I loved her, because you do don't you love your mum. I was angry inside and in pain for what she'd done to me. I have suffered from acute anxiety all my life. Because I could not remember a time when I wasn't afraid or suffered with my nerves. I get a physical reaction. I ended up on beta blockers age 20 because it was so bad, which was only supposed to be for a few months. 34 years later, I'm still on them and will be for the rest of my life. She would mock me over it. If just once she had acknowledged that just maybe it was the way she was with me that caused this, I could have stopped feeling so angry and hurt. Anyone else would have walked away from her for good. But I never did. Because in spite of everything I really loved her. I do understand that we are all flawed and have problems which don't mean we cannot be loved. But inside there is a part of me that is still a frightened child who should have felt safe and never did. When all I want to hold on to and remember the good times and the loving times which did happen.
Robert, the suggestion of the letters is a really good one and I will try it. You were not interupting at all. Energy interaction is so powerful and it's effects can be felt long after the original contact. I was aware of repeating learned patterns of behaviour from parents and have tried to be the kind of mother I wished I'd had to my children. I think I've done that. But still have issues with confronting difficult situations to avoid conflict. That legacy I still carry with me. Thank you again Mary anne, Monty, Lorraine and Robert for your input and kindness.
Love and light Kaz
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donq
[img src="[storage.proboards.com/1400695/images/U0vmMtloGmL0onhnuezY.png"]
Posts: 1,276
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Post by donq on Jan 28, 2015 18:04:16 GMT
[First of all, let to say this to someone who doesn’t know me and might be reading this post, “reader discretion is advised.”]
Dear Karen,
How long have we known each other? Almost two years, right? I always look at you as a spiritual woman who has dedicated her life to help other people for more than 10 years (Reiki healing and this spiritual forum etc.) And I always respect both your personality and you work.
You last post was so brave. I don’t like when someone came to this kind of forum and pretend to be cool and aloft. I think the reason we come to spiritual forum because we got more painful experiences than average persons. And we come to help or to be helped. No need to be pretend.
If you were a man, I would say this to you, “My mom is literally bad.” I will not go to its details but will give a short example here: she never wanted to see me, because I don’t have much money to give her. She always wants to see only my two brothers because they can give her anything she wants. But every time she got sick (like this time) it seemed my two brothers (and my sister-in-laws are too busy), so it is me who has to take care of her. Frankly speak, I never mind. When I was a young man, I used to be a volunteer (without any payment) to take care of older persons at almshouse. So, I will never have any problem to take care of my own mother, when she needs me. What I try to say is, I understand your situation so well, because my situation is also alike. And because of my personality and spirituality, I (like you) never have any problem to take care of old person, my mother or anyone’s mother, I could do all. Yes, you feel sad because it’s going to be the very day that reminds you of your mom the most. But I don’t think you have anything to be sorry (except you miss her). You already did take care of her when no one available (both intentionally or unintentionally). That’s it. More than that, you even have been taking care of many persons, not only your own mother, in your line of work (Reiki and this spiritual forum). So, you don’t have anything to be sorry, my friend.
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sparklekaz
Someone asked me.. What is your religion? I said, "All the paths that lead to the light".
Posts: 3,658
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Post by sparklekaz on Jan 28, 2015 18:23:59 GMT
Thank you Monty.. your words mean a lot. I can see that you understand how I am feeling. But I write these words, because I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to 'put it down' 'let it go'. I just want to focus on the good memories. Because I know holding on to the negative stuff is harmful. But it is really hard to do that, when every day in some way, I'm reminded of why I am the way I am. The consequences of those early years when my character was forming. Of how I deal with stress and process it.
I'm so lucky I know in many ways. I did not go on to repeat my mother's pattern of behaviour. I have the greatest of empathy and compassion for others. As a child, I thought I'd been left on my mother's doorstep, because she and I in personality (aside from the observations Lorraine made) were so dissimilar. In my search for a way of dealing with my own issues, I've learnt so much about myself. All these things I am grateful for.
Love and light Kaz
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mojomojo
Go deep enough, and there is a bedrock of truth, however hard.
Posts: 692
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Post by mojomojo on Jan 28, 2015 19:31:04 GMT
Hi Kaz, I know you have many good friends here to support you, But if there is anything I can help you with, please feel free to ask. Also, be very proud that you broke the cycle. I wish you great strength and courage, and know that you can reach a stage, where it has very little effect on you, anymore.
GOD bless,
Robert.
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cyberangel
~ As above so below, as within so without ~
Posts: 818
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Post by cyberangel on Jan 28, 2015 20:09:10 GMT
Dear Karen, There is so much I want to share with you but I am unable due to my own energy being low because of this dreadful virus that is going around. I echo all of what Monty has said in his post and he expressed it very well. Both Mary Anne and Robert also gave such wonderful and sincere responses. I wish I could share what I ‘feel’ but I can’t fully here, and because of my own energy at the moment I must also be careful. It wasn’t just anger…but pure and utter RAGE from your mother. I felt like I was going to vomit (seriously) it made me feel that sick. Yet, I feel such a huge hole of utter despair from someone who was tormented. Karen, I want to be extremely careful here and do not want to cause upset or more harm than good. I hope you understand what I am saying. There are things that I don’t 'feel' you are fully aware of. Remember when I said “but she had her own demons to fight in this life and sometimes those we love become casualties of our own battles.” You did absolutely nothing wrong Karen, because it was ALL out of your Control…in fact it was even beyond your mothers control ’I feel’. As a friend, I don’t want to cause you any more pain, in fact, all I want to do it hold and hug you, like the rest of your friends here. You are so loved Karen and respected by all those who truly care for you. Sometimes, the deepest wounds never heal, even when we think they have, they are just merely scared over, but guilt and regret keep picking away at them scars until they are once again are exposed, raw, and painful. Karen, as a friend I will put my neck on the line here, please my friend my only intention is to try and help and not to cause more unnecessary pain for you, and if what I say is too painful or not helpful then please just disregard or bin it. Only you will know if any of this that I say will make sense or not. You mention your 3 sisters, but you don’t mention a brother? Do you know if you had a brother? I am not saying for definite you had or have a brother, but I am merely sharing what I am ‘feeling’ and I don’t want to say anymore, as I said I don’t want to cause pain or anything, I just wanted to share what I am feeling, be it right or wrong only you will know or can find out. Anyway I have shared with you what I feel, rightly or wrongly I don’t know. But I hope you know I am only trying to be a good friend, and try and help you find some closure or at least detach from your mum's karma. I really have to go now my friend, but please know that I and all the others here really do genuinely care about you, as we do about each other here. Also Karen, I don’t mind if you want to delete this post, in fact please do so if it is of no purpose to you, but I hope you know me well enough to know that I would never deliberately cause you or anyone here harm in what I say. I will leave it there as I really am feeling so ill with this virus and I am hoping and praying it will pass soon, I am such a bad patient lol. Love and Light always, my friend PS. I also know that our friendship is not one sided, you have also been there for me in the past, especially during my grief, and I will always be grateful to you and all my friends here for your loving support in my time of need
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sparklekaz
Someone asked me.. What is your religion? I said, "All the paths that lead to the light".
Posts: 3,658
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Post by sparklekaz on Jan 28, 2015 20:24:12 GMT
Dear Lorraine,
Aww bless you, reaching out to help others from your sick bed.. please know that your words are always so comforting. You could never say anything to hurt or offend me. I value your honesty and directness. I agree with you that Mum was tormented. She would often suffer very dark moods. We never knew coming home from school, what mood she would be in. And spent our time walking around on egg shells.
Once she was hospitalized from steroid poisoning, she suffered a psychotic episode and was driven to confess everything she believed she'd done wrong in her life to a mental health nurse who was watching over her. She wanted forgiveness. I never knew what she told them. It was a very scary time watching her like this. She suffered hullucinations and was terrified. We were told at the time she was bi polar, which might have accounted for the mood swings. But not I feel for her aggressive nature. She told me that she had something to tell me something she'd witheld from me. Whatever it was, she would never say.
She did tell me that in between having my sisters and I.. I am the eldest. That she lost two babies. One in the tube and one at 5 months. Another time she told me she lost a baby at 8 months. I'm not sure whether or not I believed that. You might think that is not nice of me to say, but you have to know that my mum often told outright lies or exagerrated. My Aunties never mentioned it. And you'd have thought they would have when I suffered my own stillbirth. Anyway she believed the 5 month miscarriage was a boy. To my knowledge she had no children before me. I was born when she was just 21. There are things I wish I knew. But it seems whatever it was, she took that knowledge with her.
Thank you again for your support and really kind words.
Love and light Kaz
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donq
[img src="[storage.proboards.com/1400695/images/U0vmMtloGmL0onhnuezY.png"]
Posts: 1,276
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Post by donq on Jan 29, 2015 2:28:13 GMT
Dear Lorraine,
I forgive you for your last post because I could feel your (so much) love for Karen. But if I saw your long post again before you are recovered from your cold, I would be mad. :-) Rest more, sister! P.S. Your intuition about Karen’s brother was NOT surprised me. :-)
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