Post by sparklekaz on Jul 19, 2014 11:34:56 GMT
I have often wondered why it is that so many of us find it hard to say No! Is it flattery? Does it make us feel valued, important and indispensible? I know at some level, we all have a very natural desire to feel needed. But if this is the only way we have of defining our self esteem, it can become an unhealthy way of living. One in which we are very vulnerable and at risk of being exploited. Alternatively we may believe that if we refuse a request by a friend or an employer, that we will lose face in their eyes if we refuse. Particularly if there is some subtle interplay going on, where it is implied by those doing the asking; that if we will not help them, they will remove their love, friendship or regard?
Many friendships have ended, where one person has taken advantage of the other once too many times. And it could all have been avoided, if from the outset, people were stronger at establishing personal boundaries. Doing what you don’t want to do and shouldn’t have to do is called enabling. You are enabling someone else’s dependency, sense of entitlement, or inconsiderate behavior. You are also stopping them from learning how to deal with the consequences of their own actions. Because if you are always available to help bail them out of a sticky situation, how will they ever learn? Remember this also. If someone truly cares about you, they would know they were taking advantage of you and stop it of their own accord. With true friends, we can speak our minds without worrying about losing their friendship.
Now let us look at this from the perspective of the one doing the asking, and how we cope with a unfavourable response. Especially if we are asking for something that really means a lot to us. Requests for help can vary tremendously. From a simple favour such as 'can you lend me or can I borrow', to 'will you do something for me'. Anything that creates a moral or emotional dilemma can be very difficult to deal with for the one who is being asked to do something that they do not feel comfortable with. In terms of emotional growth and maturity. We all know that part of the growing up process for us, is learning and accepting, that there will be things in life we want, that we cannot have. As children, we learn very quickly that every time we ask our parents for something, they will not always say yes. At school, we learn similar lessons in different ways. Throwing a tantrum, or taking what we want by force from our playmates, is frowned upon. So we learn how to cope with rejection and denial. But, not all children grow out of this kind of behaviour. Particularly those who refuse to accept a no means no and have discovered that misbehaving or using force, will get them what they want. Often growing up into adults who will employ the same bullying tactics.
We cannot force someone to love us. No matter how much we love them. Though some will try. Feeling so unhappy or bereft at the thought of losing someone they care for. They will turn a blind eye to poor behaviour. Use emotional blackmail, to force a partner to stay with them, in a relationship where they are clearly not happy. Then there are relationships where one person is very dominant. They are loved, but feel so insecure in themselves that they control every aspect of the other person. Not allowing them free will. How does someone cope with the one they love saying no to them, time and time again. Being told no, isn't always about not being wanted or rejected. Being told No by someone else, can be about not being allowed to say 'yes' to ourselves. Our wants and needs.
I have come to believe that not always getting what we want can be a good thing. It forces us to grow in maturity. To take responsibility for our own actions. How can anyone ever learn about consequences if every time they make mistakes or poor choices, someone else will come to their rescue or bail them out. If we are rejected in love. It forces the individual to face up to and work on aspects of self that may have been part of the problem. Or to accept that relationships do change, because we change as individuals and what we once wanted for ourselves has evolved. If that is true for us, then it can be true for others. Their feelings for us have changed, not because we are not good enough, or down to some failure on our part. But because we now want different things. Being told no, can be incredibly powerful. Forcing us to go beyond what we are capable of. To take paths in life we might not have taken, opening up many possibilities. Saying No can take a lot of courage. Accept a No with grace and patience, and consider the possibility that a No now, is the universe saying Yes, to something better in the future.
I would love to hear other people's thoughts on this. Are you someone who always says yes, when you really want to say No? Or do you find being told No, hard to deal with?
Many friendships have ended, where one person has taken advantage of the other once too many times. And it could all have been avoided, if from the outset, people were stronger at establishing personal boundaries. Doing what you don’t want to do and shouldn’t have to do is called enabling. You are enabling someone else’s dependency, sense of entitlement, or inconsiderate behavior. You are also stopping them from learning how to deal with the consequences of their own actions. Because if you are always available to help bail them out of a sticky situation, how will they ever learn? Remember this also. If someone truly cares about you, they would know they were taking advantage of you and stop it of their own accord. With true friends, we can speak our minds without worrying about losing their friendship.
Now let us look at this from the perspective of the one doing the asking, and how we cope with a unfavourable response. Especially if we are asking for something that really means a lot to us. Requests for help can vary tremendously. From a simple favour such as 'can you lend me or can I borrow', to 'will you do something for me'. Anything that creates a moral or emotional dilemma can be very difficult to deal with for the one who is being asked to do something that they do not feel comfortable with. In terms of emotional growth and maturity. We all know that part of the growing up process for us, is learning and accepting, that there will be things in life we want, that we cannot have. As children, we learn very quickly that every time we ask our parents for something, they will not always say yes. At school, we learn similar lessons in different ways. Throwing a tantrum, or taking what we want by force from our playmates, is frowned upon. So we learn how to cope with rejection and denial. But, not all children grow out of this kind of behaviour. Particularly those who refuse to accept a no means no and have discovered that misbehaving or using force, will get them what they want. Often growing up into adults who will employ the same bullying tactics.
We cannot force someone to love us. No matter how much we love them. Though some will try. Feeling so unhappy or bereft at the thought of losing someone they care for. They will turn a blind eye to poor behaviour. Use emotional blackmail, to force a partner to stay with them, in a relationship where they are clearly not happy. Then there are relationships where one person is very dominant. They are loved, but feel so insecure in themselves that they control every aspect of the other person. Not allowing them free will. How does someone cope with the one they love saying no to them, time and time again. Being told no, isn't always about not being wanted or rejected. Being told No by someone else, can be about not being allowed to say 'yes' to ourselves. Our wants and needs.
I have come to believe that not always getting what we want can be a good thing. It forces us to grow in maturity. To take responsibility for our own actions. How can anyone ever learn about consequences if every time they make mistakes or poor choices, someone else will come to their rescue or bail them out. If we are rejected in love. It forces the individual to face up to and work on aspects of self that may have been part of the problem. Or to accept that relationships do change, because we change as individuals and what we once wanted for ourselves has evolved. If that is true for us, then it can be true for others. Their feelings for us have changed, not because we are not good enough, or down to some failure on our part. But because we now want different things. Being told no, can be incredibly powerful. Forcing us to go beyond what we are capable of. To take paths in life we might not have taken, opening up many possibilities. Saying No can take a lot of courage. Accept a No with grace and patience, and consider the possibility that a No now, is the universe saying Yes, to something better in the future.
I would love to hear other people's thoughts on this. Are you someone who always says yes, when you really want to say No? Or do you find being told No, hard to deal with?
Love and light
Kaz
