How does it feel ?

[gruntal]

Vegetating in front the T.V. or surfing the Internet looking for something or just trying to get my money's worth for services paid for I run across the unexpected. But it all fits in somehow. Documentaries of World War II; a documentary of the life of Walt Disney; well I do love things mechanical and tend to shy away from the silly frilly emotional stuff. Talking to friends (what few I have) and listening to their wants and wishes; not fully able to understand why they would even care about the things they do. So many terrible nightmare I become inured to them. Trying to bond with my dog - I am with him almost constantly and certainly get to know him but I can't control him and even training is very hard. I know he loves me but he has a mind of his own.

All this is good as far as it goes but it has severe limitations. Why? Because it becomes so easy to intellectualize. I know something is missing! My declining health and/or old age makes that dramatically clear. I can never even begin to actually experience even a fraction of what I am actually interested in doing.

What does it feel like to be or do? You think you know but until you do or are how can you know? Is feeling the ultimate selfishness or the only goal worthwhile? The consummate antithesis of wealth it seems to be truly free to all and yet it can be the most elusive.

It can also be the most impossible to inherit. You can leave money and infrastructure. Pictures and recordings. But how did Grandma feel? Could she predict how you would feel 50 years after she passed on?

One of the biggest mistakes I see is offering utopia. The intended recipient does not feel the need. So they can't understand why they would even want it. Likewise the intended provider does not feel the inevitable loss of freedom . Because they do not feel what it is like to be free to make mistakes and experience want. What is it that makes life worthwhile? To be safe and secure?

Or to feel something and be free to go on and experience something else better? In our present state of being we will never know until we fail and feel the pain. I think then and only then will we be able to feel what it is like to be the winner.

The question is: what have you done in this life? And how does it feel? I'll go first. I can remember when my body weight was about half of what it is now. I felt cold. I felt much more agile. I felt ugly. I felt killing myself via slow starvation was habit forming. I felt insulted when people said how good I looked. I felt terrible. But now I do not feel the same. I feel like moving and doing faster but am slowed down and want to feel the thrill of again building and accomplishing. I feel a need that wasn't there before and feel the difference that I did not in the past.

[dreamlight]

Hi, Gruntal,

For myself one of the best feelings I have is when I reach out and help people, whether it's via healing, talking or writing poetry.

To create words and meaning that can touch another person's heart & mind and have those words strike a chord deep within them...that someone understands what they feel.

That is a beautiful feeling to have.

Reading your post, it struck a chord within myself also; I am not and have never been the athletic type; I'm not very social; I tend to prefer animals over people. It's only recently I've felt like communicating with people again.

But whether via chatrooms or forums, it's nice to see I still feel the capacity to be a part of humanity.

But for the limitations I do have, I feel blessed with the mind I have, whether it's creating something physical, that can be seen by others, or something that remains unseen deep within my mind, but is still so real.

Do you have an idea of what you feel like doing, gruntal?

[gruntal]

I have a pretty good idea of what I would like to do but I am very unsure of my abilities and health. I do find the thrill of accomplishment very nice. It isn't hollow like praise. It isn't effortless like winning a prize and receiving an inheritance. And if it feels good I figure it must be worthwhile. Just sitting down with the others at the end of the day can be a good feeling if you know the group made a difference in the world. It is a privilege to get involved like that as opposed to wasting your time doing something you know isn't doing anybody including yourself any good.

I might even surprise myself if it works out and that would be an odd feeling to experience .........

[charu1982]

Everyday i try to do something good. a very small thing ... may be un-noticeable for anyone including me.. small thing like passing a smile and making others smile too.. or informing someone with some information he or she needs. saying good and happy words sometimes motivational to family or friends.. sometime talking with someone who is alone.. sometimes telling my mother to take rest and do not worry about me as i am fine and all good..
sometimes writing a small note or reply in this forum with an intension to make him/her smile
sometimes giving a chocolate to a child or colors..
some small things we do which we never notice but god does notice them and rewards us accordingly ..
i like chanting god names.. that is the best i can offer god and my best past time ..
it feels good ...
have a happy life .. life is the most precious thing and those accompanying us in this are precious too .. i failed many times but try to live each second and thank god for everything u give to me

[gruntal]

I'm about ready to wrap up another year of volunteer work at the museum hosting an event mostly for the kids. I felt so tired this year I couldn't do much. Normally I turn bolts, drill and tap holes, chip paint; but for two weeks I get to dress up in my uniform and greet the public.

It isn't very obvious why I would slave away helping restore old rail road stuff only to see the kids seemingly scramble all over it and wreck it! Well the club needs the money the parents bring in but there is more to it then that. Once a year it is fun to really put on a big show and see how professional we can act and be. Yeah the kids mostly just say "Here comes Thomas!" "Hi Thomas" "Yahhhh@!" That ^%$#@! song keeps going thu my head: "Thomas the tank engine going along toot toot". Our contract requires us to play it non-stop! They don't know or care if the locomotive is actually an ALCO FP-45, or the trolley is a Saint Louis Car Company P-1 PCC; if some trains run on 4' 8 1/2" gage and some run on 3' 6" gage. Why the motor man has to tug on a type K controller and why they switched in the 1920's to a easier type L controller. We hope one in a thousand will care when they grow up as adults and come back and join with us to help build and maintain the place.

But for right now it just feels good to have the yearly open house and have crowds we can handle and still have fun. It is a good feeling to share, at least once in awhile, what we have created. It makes up for the rest of the year when we are vandalized and robbed and have to fight the endless creep of age and decay that threatens to destroy what we try to preserve from the past.

It feels odd though to smell of OLD SPICE for now instead of diesel oil and lubricant and not be covered with old lead based paint scrapings ......

[subsidinginsanity]

Hi Gruntal,

As I was reading your opening post it struck me how well I could relate to what you have gone through. My life's story has been similar in some ways but without the starvation. Maybe I should try that ... Right now I'm entering another brand new industry for the hundredth time it seems like, and it's one that will keep me away from home most of the time. My hope is that for the first time in my life I will actually enjoy what I do. We'll see how it goes.

I don't mean to sound preachy, but as I reflect on our situations it strikes me that perhaps we will never really be fulfilled until we return to Spirit. I don't necessarily mean the death of the body but rather remembering what we were before all this happened. I don't believe that it was God's idea for us to be here. On some level we remember that Heaven is our home, and try as we might nothing can ever take it's place.

I don't know if you have found a Spiritual path or not. If not you might try taking joy in the service you give to others. You mentioned that the kids are happy to see you. That's great. The more I reflect on it the more I've come to believe that our relationships with others may be as much as 99% of what Spirituality is about. Nothing really challenges us like other people do. Judgment, love, forgiveness, it all comes from our relationships. How we see others is how we see ourselves. I feel as though you and I have a lot in common. I hope you find peace sooner rather than later.

[bev]

Hi Gruntal, wow that's a big question..." what have you done in life and how does it feel ? "

I go through phases where I think my whole life has been wasted as I don't feel that I've done anything to be proud off.

However, when I sit down and calm myself I truely belief that the times when I have managed somehow to pass on the Love that has been given to me freely in whatever way I can....well that counts.

You mention you are part of a restoration team....you preserve in order to share what was once important to another generation, sounds cool to me. You have'nt mentioned what it is you would like to do but are not sure about. If it's not to private a thing perhaps you could tell us about it ?

[gruntal]

Getting a job now seems unlikely; instead of promoting my good health (which isn't) I need to stress how sick I feel and what an effort it is just to get dressed and go out and why I should NOT be pushing myself any more then I have to. I do have seemingly unlimited opportunities for volunteer work working on railroad stuff and aviation thingies and radio emergency communications but the "hands on" aspect is exactly what I am most handicapped in doing. It is also the only thing I feel good doing so I am stuck. If I bust too many things or can't pick myself off the floor when I stumble then I'm doomed. But I don't feel my time is over yet.

Your never too old to get dirty and greasy if you can wash it all off at the end of the day.