The feeling can not be beaten

[itsmeagain30]

Hi I'm new to this forum. I just need some sensible answers , if that's possible, so hopefully you lovely beings can help me or at least attempt to. I'm 30 years old. I have had mental health problems which have only been diagnosed the past 4 years and before that I used to cover my problems up with drink as well as drugs , which probably made it worse. I'm 100% sure that it has damaged the way my brain works and my fiancé believes so too , so I know it's not me just being paranoid. I was diagnosed with bipolar at first due to being hyper which followed with extremely depressing moods but this year they have said I'm not bipolar , after 4 years of taking bipolar medication , so as you can guess I am extremely confused. I am waiting for another meeting with my mental health worker so he can re diagnose me , I've already had the first meeting , he said he doesn't want to make any mistakes so a few meetings is needed. I understand that because seeing as my old ones got it wrong it's best to make sure it's the right diagnoses. I'm on a lot of medication. I have antidepressants, mood stabilisers and anxiety tablets to help calm me down when extremely anxious. At first I was taking codeine with paracetamol to help calm me down which of course is bad but it really does help , better than the anxiety medication , I'm not taking now of course but I really do crave it. I crave the relaxation it gave me and the false sense of security it made me feel , it really did make me feel like everything is going to be ok. When I was 24 years old I went to Spain for a weeks holiday to drink and party like most young people do but I ended up doing something that changed my life forever , it changed it for the worse too , I've never ever been the same. For two nights in a row I took loads of ecstasy or at least that's what I think it was but I don't think it was because it messed me up big time , it still does to this very day. I came down really hard with terrifying hallucinations which left me in so much terror that I never left my room for 3 days ! I had to send someone out to get me food and drink. When I came back to Britain my parents made me go to hospital as I was so bad and the doctor gave me pills to knock me out for two days. Ever since that experience I have had really bad depression and anxiety which I still worry about hallucinations, I sometimes think I might get them again. However I got over it but I drank and done other drugs almost daily for 7 years before I met my fiancé which has left me really messed up...how can I heal myself

[donq]

Hi Itsmeagain30,

One of my dear friends here also was diagnosed with bipolar but she has handled it so well by her (long time) spiritual practice. But frankly speak, I still don't know what bipolar really is. And in your case, it seemed even your doctors were confused whether you really got it or not.
To make to long short, I'll not pretend to say what I don't know. I'm going to say what I really know.
From my spiritual understanding, I think this way:

Every problem (physical&mental suffering) has something to do with The Four Noble Truths which are:

1. The Truth of Suffering
2. The Truth of the Cause of Suffering
3. The Truth of the End of Suffering
4. The Truth of the Path leading to the End of Suffering

You already knew about your suffering, though the cause of it is till not clear. So, you have to try to find someone (doctor etc.) who really know his job and can tell you exactly what your problem really is. Let me give you an example, my father got a paralysis after he went to see his doctors. It turned out that his doctors gave him the wrong drug! And that very drug was a problem, hence his paralysis. See? Sometimes, the solution is the problem. Or my mother got a cancer and she's getting better now after we have tried so many doctors. And finally we even tried some herbs which really help her more than any medicine she got. I mean, she needs both modern and herb medicine altogether for her cancer.
As for your case, drinking and drugs were just to cover up your problem, as you already knew it. So, first thing first, you have to find the right doctor who could tell you what your problem is. Then, and only then, you can find the cause of it, how to end it, and the way that lead to end it.
I've got a chronic pain for more than 30 years after my 2 big operations. I've befriended with my pain very long time ago. I don't depend on any drug, only some aspirin/paracetamol. And yes, meditation/spiritual practice do helps.   
I know this might not answer your question. But I think we should always ask the questions, until we find the right answers, should we not?

 

[sparklekaz]

Hi itsmeagain,

It is lovely to meet you. What struck me the most about your story, is how very honest you've been. You appear to have done a lot of thinking about your condition and what you believe was the trigger for starting it, and what has perpetuated it. On the surface it does look like the root cause of your problem was the experience you had when you were 24. Having said that though, can I ask if, prior to this, did you ever have anxiety problems, or go through a traumatic/ emotionally painful life experience? And as part of your treatment for acute anxiety have you taken part in any talk-therapy along with medication?

I have never taken any drugs myself, so I can only speak from what I have read about the effects drug taking can have on the nervous system. Acute anxiety, paranoia and depression seems to be a common after affect. Particularly in those who are very young whose brain chemistry is still developing. So teenagers especially are vulnerable. Or people who are already emotionally sensitive and may have a predisposition to bouts of depression and mood swings. Lets face it, we can all experience those feelings. But in some people it is more prevalent than others.

Having suffered from periods of acute anxiety and frequent panic attacks starting in my late teens through to my late twenties, and to some degree thereafter. Though as I've got older, and developed coping mechanisms that I've learned through developing spiritual practice. I can sympathize a lot with what you have gone through. I can also see how tempting it would have been to use drink and drugs to try to mask or cope with those feelings. Because of the medication I was given at the onset of my problems, I could not drink. And in some respects I see that now as a blessing. Because when I was younger, if I had thought drinking would have helped, I might have been tempted to use it as a crutch too. I would never take drugs, as part of my own problem was feeling out of control, and to me, drugs take away that ability. But, again, I can see why some might go down that path. But as you have discovered, neither of those options are a solution. In fact that actually end up making the problems much worse.

It is not for me to tell you what to do or how to live your life, but if I were in your position. Aside from what you have been prescribed by the Doctor to help ease the most distressing aspects of anxiety, I would stop drinking, and taking any recreational drugs. Your body needs a detox. I am not a Buddhist, but am a great believer in the Buddhist precepts. That the body is our temple. That is the house we live in. So eating a good healthy fresh diet; drinking plenty of water to flush out the toxins and getting plenty of rest and sleep is the best way to start. You would be amazed at how a poor diet and sleep habits can affect the mind as well as the body. It can deplete the body of vitamins and minerals that are vital in maintaining a healthy nervous system. A lack of these things can also cause acute mood swings and depression. A blood test can check your levels, but to be honest I'd take it as a given, considering what you've been through, that your probably lacking. So if nothing else start taking a really good multivitamin, making sure it has all the Vitamin B complex in it. This might all sound a bit useless, but honestly, if you look up the information on this stuff, you will see how important it is.

Exercise, no matter what kind, is also great for burning up those horrible bursts of adrenaline, that cause the anxiety. If you don't fancy the gym. Go for a kick around with your friends, or get your bike out and ride around rather than driving. Take your girlfriend for nice long walks in the local park. Get out of the house, get fresh air in you, and start reconnecting with nature. People who suffer from anxiety, spend a lot of time in their own heads. Negative thinking, all builds up and heightens anxiety. So every time you feel anxious, even if its the last thing you feel like doing. Get out of the house, do something that will start to burn up that excess of nervous energy. It does work, I promise you.

Relaxation/meditation. For a long time I couldn't meditate, the last thing I wanted was to sit still and try to slow down my thinking. Because the minute I sat quietly, all the worrying anxious thoughts would come rushing in. So to begin with I would listen to straight relaxation music. Or my favourite uplifting but soothing tracks. Then went on to Guided Meditation. Which meant I had a story to follow, rather than struggling with my own thoughts. The best ones are those that relax you first, then take you on an inner journey. There are many of these free online. So check them out, find the ones that will work best for you.

You have probably heard all this stuff before, itsmeagain. You may have even started doing some of the things I've mentioned but given up. But I promise you, if you give it a chance and keep at it, it will help. I know your in the process of being assessed and still unsure of what will happen next regarding your diagnosis. But the things I've mentioned can be done at any time. One of the things that people with anxiety problems talk about is a feeling of lack of control over their own life. Its like the anxiety, depression takes over. Doing something for yourself, for me, is taking back that control. Having a say in something, even if it's only to become healthier. From there, I think things will start to fall into place for you. And last of all, get into talking therapy. The right counselor, will help you truly get to the root of what started this. Help you to understand what's happened. And give you the tools to move forward.

I apologize if I've rattled on a bit. I hope it helps.

Love and light
Kaz

[mojomojo]

Hi Itsmeagain30,
I'am not qualified, nor do I have any authority to tell you anything, so I'am not going to even try, however I do have a sister who is bipolar and another close relative who suffers from psychosis, so do have an interest in these matters, the fact that you have come to a spiritual forum, seems to suggest, you feel there maybe a connection.
A while back, I came across this video on you tube, I would like you to take a look, if something from it helps you well and good, but don't except it as fact, unless it rings true for you.
Good luck my friend. 


Sorry can  not get video to load up,
"Is it bipolar disorder or a spiritual awakening," on you tube.
bipolarorwakingup.